Why does it have to be so complicated?

So life right now seems like it could not get more complicated then what it is. I wish that life could just be flowers and happiness all the time. But the reality of it is it can not be that way. I know that one day when I return home to Heavenly Father that it will be like that but untill then the reality of things is that life has it ups and downs. While for the last few weeks things have been great. I have some one in my life that is so awesome, but then yesterday things just went up side down for us. Not Alex, that just gets more and more complicated as days go by. I know I just need to put my feet down and make him leave. I had some one tell me so what today if he will get deported. I wish it was that easy why should I have to raise Kaleb on my own and be responsibal for him all on my own. Now mind you this person has no kids at all and God forbid if he did cause he has no clue or to me it says that he would not take care of his own kid. He has no clue what life is really like here on this side. I know what I am doing is wrong, I am still living with Alex and I have a boy friend. A friend that is so awesome. I can tell him any thing, there is no judging, when I am with him he makes me smile when I think of him I smile and I feel so happy, what am I supposed to with those feelings I have for this person put them on the back burner and act like they are not there? Ha Ha I wish it was that easy. This is a person I can see myself growning old with, that is something I have never felt with Alex. Why do things have to be so complicated? Why can life just not be peaches and cream when it comes to love? I even have the need to want to loose weight and be healthy. Never thought I could feel that way again.

Life moves on

My Daddy is here. Hard to beleave. It has been 11 years since I have seen him last. There is so much going on right now and I can honestly say thank God I have him in my life. Not my dad yes I am glad to have him there too but Heavenly Father. Over the last year I have had a lot on my plate. I choose to go with my hart and do what I needed to do a long time ago. I am filing for divorce tomorrow. I know it is something that I should have done a long time ago. I have had many people tell me why am I still here if I am not happy and them knowning everything that I have gone through over the years with Alex, I hope and pray that in the end we can still be friends for Kale's sake. But at this point I do not know if that is going to happen just from the things that Alex is already saying. I am however ready to raise my kids on my own with out him. It is funny how things turn out in life. We grow up and we grow apart. I am thankfull for the friends I have in our ward and my friends that are not membars of the church. I will be needing everyone's support through this, but it is something I know I have to do.

Life at times can be so funny and at other times can be so sad. For a long time I choose to let things get me down and to dewll on them. I had to stop step back and take a look at where I was going and if I was making progress in making myself a better person. I had to stop and think about every thing friends had told me and take those things in to propestive. I sat back and I seen how much happiness they had in their lives and how negative mine was. I wanted to be like them so bad, happy family, happy with myself, but how was I going to get there if all I could see was the bad things that kept happining in my life. I could never see the good. Then one day I woke up and said today is going to be the day that I see no more bad in this world but see the good that Heavenly Father is putting in front of me. I said I would no longer post negative things and if that meant a 3 word post then so be it. But I have found that even though some days I want to fall back in those old habits, like the other day a friend said you never smile. I said what do I have to smile for? He said ever time I see you, you are never smiling smile because you are alive. That really hit me. I had never really thought of that. Heck I am alive because Heavenly Father has been so gracious as to allow me to be here on this earth this long. I now smile every day when I wake up and thank him for one more day that I have here.
It is coming up on my Rocsheda's birthday she would have been 12 this year. My big girl, I think back to when she was alive. I was so happy even though my baby was sick she had a smile on her face every day and would never cry. I had to think what an inspiration she was to me then and how much of an inspiration she can be to me today. Even though she is not her physically she is still here in my hart. I can use her memory as a tool to help me smile every day, in the midst's of all of the craziness that goes on around me.
What are the things that make you smile every day? When you feel down what memories do you have of some one special like my Rocsheda? We all have so much to be thankful for and to smile for so when you feel like frowning just turn it up side down and make it a smile.

So a lot has been happening last few weeks. I said I was no longer going to post negative things on my Blog. So I am going to look at this post as Heavenly Fathers way of showing me, what the next faze of my life is going to be.
I have had to think long and hard about what the Bible says about divorce, it says the only grounds for divorce is adultery, with that being said it happened a long time ago but not me. It was on the other hand the other person in this relationship, I choose to forgive and go on. I had a friend that told me that if I choose to forgive there was no going back on it and I had to stay with my husband. I can no longer do that. I'm not happy and I do not want to be in this relationship any more. I know there is so much more in life that Heavenly Father has in store for me.
I have been unhappy for a very long time in this relationship and it is time to move on. That is what I am doing I am moving on. Since I have realized that I have been loosing more weight doing more things for myself and the kids and I am having the time of my life doing this. Wow hard to believe that I have allowed myself to be held back by a man all these years.
So now moving on. My dad is very sick, he does not have to much long to live. I got told tonight if I allow my dad to come and live with me Alex would leave. I told him that was fine he could leave. I was not going to choose between the man that gave me life and my husband. My dad gave me life and may not have been the best father but he did give me life and I had the chance to spend what little time left he has here on earth and and that is what I am going to do.I love my dad and I love the fact that Heavenly Father is giving us a second chance to build a relationship with each other. What are some second chances you have been giving?

What are postive changes you are making in your life today?

So here we are at the end of Aug. wow this year is just flying by. I found my real dad and there was mixed feelings there. But once I talked to him I was so glad that I did. It was like when I found my mom, I was not sure how to go about building a relationship with someone that had never been apart of my life. With my dad he was a part of my life but not always in good ways. But he has admitted where he was wrong and he is trying to make amends with me for the things that were not right in our lives. I am blessed now to say that I have both of my parents in my life even if one of them is very sick and may not be with me long. I will get to rebuild a relationship with him for the time that I do have with him. Our car is almost fixed which means that I will be able to get a lot more stuff done like going back to church. Not having a car is a big inconvenience. But we got by and did what we had to do.
We are still waiting on word from INS to go in a get re finger printed and another picture taken so that Alex can get his work permit. Through all of this I am defiantly learning to have a lot more patients. With patients comes virtue and with virtue comes happiness. That is something that I am learning to be a lot more of. It feels good to look at things in a positive way and enjoy things around me. My meds are working and I am not as down as I used to be which is a good thing.
Kaleb has been working with Saint Josephs home and went in for a med som app. They are doing his blood work and an EKG but are going to put him on meds. I was kinda leery about that but after the Doctor explained to me that she is very surprised that the pediatrician has not put him on meds to help control the anger before this, and that I have done great as a parent in getting him this far with Asburgers and not having him anything but melatonin.
Katie was so excited to start school at home and then was the first one to have a melt down over it. I thought that it would have been Kaleb but it was not it was Katie. Now that it is over with we are on to learning. Kaleb loves being taught at home, I am so glad to because I thought he was going to be the one to not adjust to this, but it is giving us more one on one time and that is something that I have needed to start doing with all of my kids. Next week we are going to be starting behavior charts for all of the kids. They ave learned not to call each other stupid any more. I put the five dollar rule in to place. If you call some one stupid in my presence you then owe me five dollars Kourtnie got up to fifteen and so did Katie. Now I know some may say five dollars is a lot of money that was the point to get them to have pay heavily for their actions. What is a quarter or a dime going to do to hurt them? Nothing but the five dollars will. After the third time with both of them it has been working. Kaleb herd five dollars and I have not one time herd him say the word. Now I am sure they may say it when I am not around but the goal is to get them where they do not say it all weather I am around or not.
So I no this blog started out as a food log for me and a way to hold my self accountable for what I was eating and how I was putting on weight. Now I still have an addiction and I know I will always have one, but I am on the right path to loosing weight again. I have lost some weight I do not know how much because I have not been on the scale in a while but I can feel it and I can see it as well. Great thing. I am really starting to see how when you take out the negative in your life and replace it with positive things and you keep heavenly father in your grasp and lean on him when you feel weak how much of a change it makes in your life. Positive thinking makes for positive actions and changes. So this weeks question is what are positive changes you are trying to make in your life?

What are you greatful in life?

OK this week has not been so great but the bright side to it is this, I have learned that I really need to slow down and I seen just how much I was going and wearing my self down with no stopping and looking out for my self. Now I could say that I had a crappy week but rather it was a great week, yes I could have died but I am alive and so are my kids and that is what is important. I also learned that I really do need to be in the Church and not just when I feel like it, but every Sunday. I learned that even though at times I felt like Heavenly Father was not there with me he really is here with me at all times. I am grateful for him, and all that he does for me and provides for me. I am sorry that I have to learn it this way, but the great thing is that I learned it. So this is a short post but a very happy one and a very grateful one. What are things that you are grateful for?

What does freedom mean to you?

What does freedom mean to you? That is what I have been asking myself lately. Is it important to me, or is it important to you? The funny thing is that a lot of do not realize what freedom really is from the things that are holding us down or holding us back. For me it is food, and all the trash that I choose to keep in my life. I guess I should not say it is all trash but it is stuff that is ready to be barred, and put to rest for ever. That is what I am choosing to start doing throwing out all the bad and working to make things better in my life. I want to get rid of all of the bad things in my life, even if it means some of the people I love as well. That is a hard thing to say and do. But I know it is now or never. I am tired of holding myself back all the time with bad things and people that are in my life. Now I have been given certain tools to do this and some of them I must say are very hard to do, it will take time I know but I also know with the grace of Heavenly father, I can do this, and I will do this. No more negative posts. Only positive posts, and I know that may be hard to do some times and it may even be that posts will be short, if it means that it will keep it positive. That is going to be a new out look for me. If I keep negative things in my life and negative thoughts then negative things will happen. So only positive. So what does freedom mean to you?

What are your longings and is it wrong to long for things that we want?

OK so I am cycling and I need to write so I am up again and here it goes. Kourtnie has been put in partial hospitalization, and got a weekend pass and it has not gone well at all, in fact it was worse today then it has been since she went in the hospital in the first place. It was not good on her end nor on my own because today I just lost it with her and I know I did not mean some of the things that I said, but at the same time I can not take them back either. But what I really want to get is I miss home so much. Not Salt Lake City, I mean I miss there too but I mean Del Norte. I miss it more and more every day and I want to go home and be there and even think I may want to raise my kids there. Now the problem with that is the town, when I was growing up had no blacks there at all, just a few whites and mostly Hispanics. It really is a one horse town, with a watering hole. Most of them are like that in those parts in fact it takes 3 towns to make on school. LOL when I think of it I would have 18 people in my graduating class had I stayed there and graduated. But I have reconnected with a friend of mine from there from when I was gr owing up and seeing pictures and just reading posts about things going I miss. I want my kids to go and experience, get a fresh head on them and maybe even me, cause in Del Norte there is nothing there to stress you out and leave you baffled as there is here. It is funny when I was growing up I would say to my Grandma I can not wait to get out of this hell hole and when I do I will never look back. But then I think I miss coffee time every afternoon hearing the old men shoot the bull and the woman gossip, while the kids play, life is simple. Kenny if you do read this tell people how great Del Norte is. So my goal is that by next summer I will be able to take the kids back and stay for a while. Katie has the potential to do 5th and 6th grade this year if she puts the effort forth and busts butt through her work. Kaleb ya I finally got an IEP for him and I he for once is looking forward to school, and even got into doing some stuff early. Now if I can just Kourtnie on the write path for all of us, and me. I did qualify for one study and hoping that I will be able to get on these other 2 studies cause it would not only pay for the class I failed but give me the money I need to go on this trip next summer. Along with this trip to Del Norte will be a trip to Salt Lake City. I miss my Boo and all the kids and Auntie Jackie. I also want to go and visit for a whole day me and the kids at Rocsheda's grave. Just need to find some one to make the trip with me. Hope my little sister will do it with me cause it would be awesome to show Tommie a part of me, from when I was younger and how I grew up, and where I grew up. How is it we swear we will never do something and never go back some where but then end up missing it so much. Is that considered lust to want to go back some where so bad? I want the kids to see a rodeo, experience goat roping, ride horses, see the fire works on the Reo Grand in South Fork, and meet the people I grew up with. See how simple life can be. What are the some of the simple things in your life that you wish you could go back to now? I know that this is the path that Heavenly Father has made for me and I should be happy with it but I really do long to go home now. Heck I even started listening to Country music again.
Alex is driving a wedge between us even more and I really do not know how much longer there will be a Taffany and Alex. Ya I have said this all before but the reality of things are that things need to change and I need to get ride of the old things that are not willing to change in my life. At this point he has the option of changing his ways or hitting the highway and moving on to the next person that has STUPID on their forehead, and will put up with all of what goes with being married to him.I have come to see that things will not change between us. I am still laughing at him for tonight. I just up and walked out on all of them and was gone for two hours and he was freaking out. I am calling the cops on you, the kids are hungry. But mind you this was around 8 tonight and I had already made dinner for them and the fridge and freezer had food as well as the pantry and our food storage. Both girls can cook and so can he if wants too. I sat in my car laughing at the thought of what he would tell the cops my wife got made and left me with our kids and the kids are hungry, and she took all the keys with her so I can not go get food for the kids, yet our fridge has food and so does other parts of the house. Would almost be as funny as the time he hit me and knocked him out and called the cops on him only to be told what do you want us to do looks like you handled it your self. He never has tried to hit me again. I guess he did not want another butt kicking like he got from me before.
So as you can see so many things on my mind right now and I had to get some of them out. Going to play a few games and then see if I can sleep. Kourt has to be at the hospital at 8 and I want to talk to her nurse about well Sunday now that it is 2:29. Have a good week, I am sure I will have more to post on here as I am cycling and I really need to get all of this out and since I have therapist any more you guys are my therapeutic therapy, and are great at making me feel better. Thanks for the support I get from all of those that do so on here.

LOSS but hope for Kaleb

So it has been a bit since I last posted. Today I spent the whole day at Mercy Fairfeild and will have to see a speacilist in 3 days to set up a complet hystorectomy. I new it would come I just did not think it would come this soon. I thought I would still have a few years before I had to go that rout but I guess heavenly father has other planes for me. When you have tubes tied it is still ok cause you could still have kids later if you thought it was wright. Not this way you never get to breast feed again you never get to have that last baby you always wanted it is all gone. Not that I want more kids but it would be nice to know that I have choice if I wanted it. So it is just another loss. I failed my math class which I new I would and since neither of us have a job I do not have the money to retake the class and school is on hold till I have the money to do it. I have tryed for personal loans and it is not happing. Ha ha medical bills will kill any ones dreams. Thanks Mr. President. Kourtnie leaves for camp in 24 hours a week with out my baby here. What will I do she is my streangth a lot of the time and helps me keep this house going. I know this is not the first time my girl has left last summer this time she was in Chicago on a mission, and helping others learn about God. Now she is going to learn about God and have a great time doing it. Kaleb has finally got two diagonisis for sure he has 100% aspergers, and he has oppitional definace dissorder 2 out of 3 kids with ODD I am doing good. He will see a Dr. on the 28th of July as they think he has a mood disorder which I guess is better then the ADHD that we though he had. I am just glad I am getting him help, it is a major fight with Alex all the time because he does not want to admit that Kaleb has problems and says I am just putting all of this stuff on him. I just want my son to be happy it just broke my hart when he told them at the intake that he wants to be able to do more and that he wants more males around him. Two things I can not give him. He is around girls all the time and the poor kid thinks it is ok to paint his toe nailes because of all the girles around him. HELP here if you have boys and live close and we can set up play dates I would love it and so would he. I go Wensday to orintation for Katie, and Kaleb for the BOSS program for next school they are both really excited and can not wait for Co-op to start. I can not wait either it will be great for all of us. So what are things that you all have lost? My list can go on and on for days with all of the loss I have had.

Back on med's but still a bad day

So I went to the Dr. today. It was the regular Dr. But he did get me back on some meds. He is lowering the doses on some, and making them higher on others, he will slowly do this, he does understand that 2 of the meds are going to put weight on me, but is going to put out the referral to a surgeon so that we can look at what options we have with getting the rest of the weight off of me, as well them being able to find me a therapist that deals with eating disorders. Not a good day emotionally though, I broke down in Kroger's parking lot just fell apart, I know the people around me were like what the heck a grown woman crying out in public like that. I about ran the same car over 2 times today, and finally got to the point where I said I am going home and staying home and not coming back out the rest of the day. The Dr. also says if the weight does not come off I will continue to have a lot of pain in my back and knees. A good friend I think finally got through to Alex last that when a person has a mental health problem, they do not want help from the people that love them, and that they feel that they are just trying to get in their way from doing what they want to do and end it. All I could do was stand there and say thank you that is how I feel. I know people love and want to help me, but I have to get to the point where I really want help. One day at time is that not what they say in A.A.? I just have to take it one day at time, today I did not want to go on I wanted it to just end. There are lots of days like those, but there are some good days, Sunday was an OK day, I did feel good to be at church. I did not make it to sacrament just the scout training, and the end of R.S. and P.H combined meeting. I really did like what the Bishop said with some of the things he said at the end. Then on Monday I went to a great picnic and was so glad that Michelle what there and Patty was there cause if they were not I would have just turned around and walked back to the car to go home. But then when I got to the festival to work, I looked at some of the people and their actions, and I thought wow I really do have it good. Now if I could appreciate what I really have then I would be going somewhere in the right direction. I had a great talk with Patty yesterday, even though it was really about nothing, it was nice to have adult conversation, I think I need more of it, and not from people that are not stable mentally either. But from smart responsible woman that have been or know what it is like to be where I am and are strong enough in their faiths to just stay by me. Not that I do not have some non Christan friends that would not do that, and I am grateful for them. But I know I need Christ like woman to keep being there for me pushing me, in the right direction. So back to home work, hopefully tomorrow will be better going to lunch with Kourtnie and some of her friends at her school, then come home and work more on finals.

When will we be free and how do we get there?

So this week is not a lot better then last week. I am still feeling about the same but in a lot of pain. I realized I am becoming addicted to the pain pills and have been trying not to take them, making life in my house, even more hell, as it makes so I am not so numb then, the reality of all of the crap going on around me all the more real. Pain pills are great in some ways it is just like the food, right you take them you are numb like when you eat to much then your mind is not all there so, you do not really have to deal with the reality of life that is going on around you. I am off all meds for my bi-polar now, it has been 2 and half months since any meds have gone in me for that and depression. Is it getting better, no it is not in fact life every day is about just trying to get out of bed by 2 so I can get Ms. Ruthy to work by 3. Life is getting dinner done for the kids or take them where they need to be so I am still at functioning levels some what. It seems like it is not about enjoying life but rather just getting the things done that need to be done. At least I can still do that. It is funny how you sit there you know you are wasting your life away, and yet I choose to do nothing about it.
I got Kourtnie on new meds today, hopefully this will not make her sick like the last ones did. I wish sometimes some one from her school could see what pain she really is in. I think why am I punishing her so much by making her stay there. Do not get me wrong she has some good times this year and has some great friends there that she has made, but then when I see how much she really hates and I keep here there it is for my own selfish reasons. I want her to have a good education, which she could probably get from a public school, but then I look at the teen pregnancy rate, in public schools and I am glad she is where she is. Although there are things that do go on there, I have never seen so many girls that are 12 dating, and kissing and some doing far more then just that then what I have seen this year. So what I am really trying to say when it comes to that sort of thing it does not matter if it is a public school or private crap happens in both.
I am very thankful for a friend, that I started out helping with her kids. Although this person still needs lots of help with her kids, she has stepped up and seen how sick I am and with out any judgement at all on her part or saying anything she just steps up and comes over to help me get up every day, and get going, she makes getting the house clean easier as we do it together or on the days that I just can not do it she does it. She has been great with the kids too and helping me make sure their home work is done, and their rooms are cleaned and chores are done. It is funny that it started out the other way me helping her with her kids, and talking to her, and the role has has flipped. I am very grateful to have her in my life to help me out. It is nice when you have some one who is as big of a nut case as you are and knows it there for you because they really know what is all about. Although she will admit she has no clue what it is like to deal with an eating disorder she does know what addiction is.
For the first time in almost 11 years I thought about what it would be like to really get high again on crack. How great it would feel to just really get high, and really be numb, not food numb, pill high but higher then the sky high. Then I laughed at my self and said I must be going crazy for real. I know what that crap does to you and how it can ruin your life so fast, and you never know what hit you. But it was a wake up call for me that hey you are still and addict, the saying goes once a crack head always a crack head. I was looking up meeting places for C/A and they have non here. They have A.A. and the have N.A. but no C.A... Hummm it makes it harder although the concepts are all the same, it is different in A.A. meetings and N.A. meetings, at C.A. every one is a coke head too, they know what the high is you are looking for, funny as it is Cincinnati has a lot of crack heads and Coke heads and no place for them to go and meet. They should start something like that here.
Then it made me think again is teaching where my calling really is? Should I keep this up or should I look at a different place as a calling? So you see the train is going so fast and trying to go down one track but keeps going off track and keeps jumping to another track. It is all so frustrating. Marla I really do want to come with you, I have started reading the book you gave me and oh my gosh I wish others could read it, I am not to far into it but it does make so much since. I want to be free I really do. I want to take those first steps to be free, I just have to get the courage to do it. I guess one day I will be there. I hope soon. I am tired of being trapped in a cycle, that seems like it has no end. When I started to read this book I say that there could be an end, it is just up to me to make that first step to put an end to it.

Down home and getting better

So here it is May and I only had 2 posts last month. Math is really kicking me in the you know what. I suck at it and really find it pointless and other then teaching kids how to write their letters I will not use anything I am learning in this class or the next one if and when I get a job. So this week I had a really long talk with a great friend. We prayed for a long time and he is going to continue to pray for me and was just amazed at how much I really am carrying right now. He said if was him, he would be about where I am at now as well. I have come to realize that even with friends to help me and support me and family as well at this point to get my eating disorder under control it is going to take more then just out patient help to get me through this and be a healthy happier person then what I am now. I also admitted how easy it would be right now to just walk out and not be a mother or wife any more and how I really do not care to do any of it any more and just how tired I really am. I know that I have a better life then a lot of people out there do not get me wrong, I have a great husband at times and I have wonderful kids that I love to death. But I really do feel that as sick as I am in the head I am not a good mother or wife to any of them right now. So the plan is going to be trying to get the insurance to help me find some where to go in patient after I graduate in September. In the mean time I will be trying to find some place out patient to help with some meds so that I do not end up hurting me or the kids or some one else and I do feel that way a lot of the time. I see my self going back to where i I was after I had Kaleb. Getting fat, ugly and not wanting to get out of bed. I am done with church for a while, I figure if I can not get out of bed to get the kids ready for school how can I commit myself to something all the time, that I do not feel is helping me. I know I should not feel this way and I know some are going to say church is where you need to be. But when I know my limits and I know where I am emotional it is better for me and my big mouth to just stay away so that I really do not hurt others with what I have to say. I know when I get like being by my self is much better then being around people. People of ignorance and stupidity I can not deal with when I am in this state. I know this is how I got really fat and sick the first time around, but I did not have a plan place then nor did I admit that there was something wrong with me, then either. I sore I would never go back to 500lbs again and I will not, but for now I just need to be by self, and work with professionals to help me. When I asked for help in my own way to someone that I thought should have helped being a leader to me I was shot down. And I do not think it was fully understood what I am really going through. But after the talk I had with my friend I think that there may just be some light at the end of this tunnel and they are going to help me in way that they can to get there. Prayer is what I need right now so please do that. I can not wait to just get away from the nasty nati for a while either. I am hopping that by next summer things will be right and I can take my kids back to where I grew up in Del Norte so they can meet the people I grew up with and some old family that is still there. I think about the song Down Home, by Alabama when I think of Del Norte. It is a place where people know you by name and treat you like family. There are old men sitting around checker boards and telling lies. One stop light in the whole town and every one knows every one. I want my kids to see that and experience it, and know where I really came from. Go and ride horses and moter bikes, rope goats, and kick crap, not just at the fair, but have true fun, pure down home fun. So that is my goal to get better so that next summer I can take my kids home and do those things with them.

All things could be going good.

So it has been 2 weeks since I posted last. Lots of stuff has been going on, Where to start. Well for starters we will be free at last in a few months. Alex will be able to get a real job after 8 long years of going through INS playing God with our lives. I do not know how I feel, part of me wants to laugh part of me wants to cry, I know sounds absurd to want to cry, but unless you have gone through what we have gone through with all of this immigration stuff you have no clue. I am still shaking my head at the immigration lawyer who thinks she gets to play with peoples lives and for got that her four fathers came over here as immigrants at one point too. I think a lot of people for get that. That this country was built off the labors of people from other countries and those same men and woman fought for our freedoms today. Sorry my little soap box thing. We finally got Kourtnie on Meds. All I can say it is such a big difference and I have really enjoyed having a daughter again to do stuff with that enjoys doing it and not angry about life. Not that all is completely right there but we are on the right step in the right direction. So the practice song the last 2 weeks in R.S. has been I need the every hour. Today I got to share why that song is so important to me. There were some there that read this and others that were doing their callings and could not here it so here it is, the song says I need the oh I need the I need the ever hour of every day. Oh precious Lord I need the oh I need the. I read M's comment on my last post and I can say this, this song gets me through things, when the crap is hitting the fan, all I think about is Heavenly father and how I need him every hour of every day. Corney I guess, since I know I need him to get through my life yet I do not go to him, and ask him for the help I need. I am off all physic meds, so if I am off do not mind me. I am crying at the drop of a hat about every thing. I really need to get back into therapy some where and get back on meds, but not so many of them. I hate pills I hate felling like I can not make it with out them. I know I need them but do I really need so many of them. The pharmacy has decide with out my Dr. consent to put me on a generic of my mirapax and this is after I was told there was no generic. I have had a really bad weekend with my walking and sleeping as my legs are moving a lot and cramping up from it. I will be glad when the day comes that there is no more suffering out there. For any one. Michelle I have really thought a lot about your comment to me on my last post you have not let me down any type of way shape or form, I know that things happen in life, and family comes first, there will be a time when things work out for us to walk together. If you ever need my mouth I am so not afraid to confront any one when it comes to my friends and family I have a huge family. Ask any one of my kids and the some of the parents at Kourt's school. Friday was a prime example I had to stick up for me and go off on some one, She has now meet as some of African friends call me the white Madia. Ha ha life is good some times, and never be ashamed of sticking up for you, specially when you know you are not in the wrong. I look at this way God gave us mouths to use for a reason. Now if I could just apply this to other area's of my life I would be good.

Hard lesessons and what do we do to cover up our mistakes?

Lessons can sometimes be hard to learn the first time around. I have learned a hard lesson in life though these past few weeks. I totally screwed up our bank account. I put us in the hole with my spending. Thinking that spending was going to help I did loose some weight. But it has cost not just me but my whole family. I came clean to Alex today though and man did it feel good. I do not know how any could something like that all the time from their spouse. It was making me sick. All of things he said to me I could not get mad at because they were the truth. I have learned my lesson though. I know what we are going through and yet all I thought about was my self. As I was sitting up thinking last night Taffany what the hell are you doing, this is just like being on drugs again. No I am not getting high off of something that is illegal but I am getting high off of spending money. Another way to mask what the real problem really is and another way to trade one addiction for another. I think food is a much cheaper way to go then blowing all of ones money. Then I though hell at least I have something to show for it when I am eating it may not be pretty to look at but I do have something to look at. When you blow money on nothing there is nothing to show for it other then regret. Not that it is not there with food, but you can cover it up with more food. When you are blowing money and it is gone there is nothing else there and then there is shame, not just regret but a huge amount of shame to go with it, and nothing to show for it in the end. I had some ask me why do I eat, I am so big, did I not learn anything from my surgery. I just had to laugh hello had I leaned anything I would not be getting fatter and if I new why I ate the way I do would I be as fat as I am now? Or would be just the oppisit and I would have no meat on me at all because I would never eat and still see my self as fat. That is how it was in the 3rd grade for me I wad just throw up and make my self sick because I was fat. Now every one around me thought I was crazy, because how as a 5'4" girl at 90 lbs fat? To me I was I wanted to just go away because I could not stand how I looked. Who would have thought that, that skinny little girl would be as fat as I am now. I know every one says it does not matte what is on the outside that matters but rather what is on the inside that counts. I laugh at that too because I think you have to feel that way on the inside about your self for it to really work and be believable. Just when I think things are going to start looking up they go down again. It is a nasty cycle that I would love to end. I am going to start researching inpatient facilities for eating disorders. There are so many out there that think that you have to barf or not eat to have a eating disorder I laugh at those people as well, they think those fat people should just stop eating, then they would not be fat at all stop eating and get up and move, I wish it were that simple. Tell me what are some things that you do to hide what is really going on or how you really feel? When you do them do they make you feel good at the time and like a ass in the end?

How many things do we start and never finish is it part of the patteren?

OK so much so much and yet so little time right? I lost my walking buddy although for a good reason and so now I need a new one. It is getting warmer so now there are no excuses to just get up and get out there and do it other then I just really need motivation. I need that cheering section to get me going. Easter this year wow, so we are getting balloons, and the kids and I are writing letters to Rocsheda, if any one else would like to do the same thing and give them to me I would love to put them in the balloons. We are going to let them off on Sunday after church. My mom and sister will be here so I hope that helps me get through the day a lot easier then I did last year. I can say at least I am not in the hospital having a melt down like I did last year. I also have the play to look forward too. I will have some great friends there to see us on our last performance. I am so glad that I have been able to be a part of bring Christ into some one life. Even if it was just one person. I feel good too, I was asked to make some one a birthday cake nothing fancy cause my decorating skills are to be desired and well I really need to take Marla's cake class I just have to get the money together to do it. One day it is on my list of things to do before I kick the bucket, decorate one really good cake. We go back to court on the 23 too. I am really praying that this will be the last time and Alex will get his papers and he can get a real job and we can get on our feet. I hate living like this I am tired of it, I know if I am tired of it I can not even imagine what he feels like. Time to spring clean too and I know it needs it in here I just have no will power to get it done. There is so much I want to get organized and just have no clue where to start at. I start a 100 different things and then nothing gets done at all. So here I am I am taking a step and saying hey I need help here. I need to clean stuff out, of the house, I think if I get stuff cleaned out of here it will help clear my mind and help me clear some junk out of my mind. I am going to call tomorrow and see what I can do about getting in some where so I can get back on my med's. I hate being on all of them but you know what it sure beets how I feel now. My mind is like a barreling train coming down a track with no where to stop it sucks feeling like this. I guess I would rather be loaded and think straight then barreling and not thinking straight. I also meet some one that works for the Dr. I have been looking at to do my Lap band. She is going to sit down with me hopefully some time next week so we can talk about some stuff so I can get started on getting it done. I know it will just be a tool for me, to go with the steps I am taking to over come this addiction. I hope every one has a great Easter and has many blessings with it.

It all makes sence if we think about it. What Genes do you think you have that make you fat?

Kathy Teague February 28 at 1:12pm
Over the years I have eaten for all the reasons already mentioned. Any excuse would do. Even when I was fit and active. Many times I have hidden to eat so others wouldn't know how many donuts or pieces of pizza I really ate. I know some of it was emotional. Life has had some difficult times, some of my own doing, some not. But all that aside, a few years ago I made some discoveries that helped me forgive myself for what seemed like a character flaw of being undisciplined. I was diagnosed with Obstructive Sleep Apnea and Periodic Limb Movement Disorder. In learning about my sleep disorders I found that sleep is so intricately tied to appetite hormones, cravngs, and metabolism. Although my nighttime limb movements are resistent to treatment, treating the apnea remarkably reduced my food desires and increased my energy for activity. I had been symptomatic for apnea most of my life. It can be hereditary, a matter of structures within the throat or the jaw. I always thought apnea was an old fat man's problem - NOT! I still struggle with my weight and have other limiting health issues. Have lost 55 lbs since my peak but have plateaued lately. My latest breakthru in thinking has been in recognizing that unhealthy eating is self abuse, and feeding that food to my loved ones is as much abuse as poisoning them. Now that is sobering! Best wishes Taffy as you go forward and claim a better future for you and your family. OK this is from a fellow friend on face book. For some reason it would not let her post so I am posting it for her. When I read it, it got me thinking to something that my Dr. that did my sleep study said to me, it would be really intreasting to see if your weight is because of something heriditary. My grandma and others on my dads side are huge and were huge. What do others think? Do you think some of your weight issues have to do with your genes? I no that I do not sleep well and when I am up I want to eat, and then sleep all day. What about others?

Keeping focuse

So much so much to tell and oh I just have put it all off. This last week has been so crazy. 2 dress rehersals, 3 actual performances and I have lost some weight cause the costum that was made for me is too big from when she first messuraed me. Now it could just be too that my fat is shifting around. But I am hoping it is cause I am loosing as a few of my capri's that were tight this fall are fighting a little looser again. I was in a car acident last night not my fault and go figure they ran and before I could get out of the car the person had already taken off. More motivation to loose weight I guess. Kaleb is exicted he made it to regionals for Bible quizing and Katie is pissed cause she worked hard not as hard as last year and she did not make it this year. I told her it was OK she would do better next year. Ha ha tell that to a perfectionist. She looked at me like my head was backwerds. I am taking all of the walking up and down stairs at the play this last week as exercies. No I have not been walking, but at least I am moving. I was going to go out of town for spring break with the kids but since Kaleb made it to regional I will have to save the money so we can go up to Mt. Vernon in May. I can tell my meds have wore off I am wanting to sleep more and more and I am loosing energy fast. Have no clue what I am going to do to get back on meds or with the way Medicade is working if they will even pay for them. I am loosing meds left and right cause I can not pay for them and Medicaide will not pay for them. Ha ha I guess when I am in the hospital and they are paying higher bills with that then they will maybe start paying for some of them again. I need to find an outlit to focus on so that I can keep energy up and not just give up. Although that is where I am at now, just give up. It is getting harder and harder to just deal with normal things. I do not even say stuff to the kids no more when they are acting out. What is the point they listen as well as the wall does. What are some outlits you all use to keep focused?

Who wants to walk how many are hidding behind their true feelings?

OK so I went walking again today. Let me tell it is a lot more fun to walk with Michele then it is to walk with Alex. So ladies start signing up to go walking. Unless it is pouring down rain of course or snowing or lighting. I did push myself though. Well Alex started pushing wich made me mad as hell that he would not listen to me that I was just hurting way to bad to keep going. So that made me go even more just to show him that I could do it. Ha ha I am so paying for it tonight though, my back is killing me and by the time I got back to my porch I was I could not feel my legs. In a way it was good that he did not let me quit but he needed to listen to me when I said I was in to much pain to go on. I think most of you know by now do not erk me off or I will prove you wrong. Michele was a great insperation and great to talk to. Alex on the other hand ha ha may be it is a man thing, I do not know. So finals have me so stressed out that I am not eating much at all but staying loaded on caffine so that I can stay awake and get the papers wrote. Score one for I got the Goverment paper wrote now just have to type it up. Score two is I have my bulliton board done, thanks to Sarah and her great idea's to get me going. So the question of the day is how many of you just want to give up some days and walk away from it all? I had this talk with some one today and was told that as mothers we all have had those feelings at one point or another. I feel like that most of the time. Today as I was walking over the brige I thought to my self when I was growing up I never rembered there being fences so high on over passes, or there never were fences. So I guess they put them up for people like me who would like to just go jump off that over pass some days. May be it is me not being on my meds that make me feel that way, maybe not. There are days that I really do feel like Alex and the kids would be better off with out me. No more worries about mommy being fat, or unhealthy. No more feeling like I can not eat cause if I do I will get fat like mommy, I see all of the things my kids are going through and it is my fault that they are going through it. But then I say to myself Taffany this is just a journey in your path that Heavenly Father has given you. Big part of it is April 4th is coming up and Rocsheda will be gone for 11 years this year. She would have been 11 going on 12. Last year I had a complete break down because I for got about her day, her day when she left me to go home. I get like this every year I just want to go home with her and take care of her and know that she is OK. I know that she is but there is that mother part of me that just wants my baby back. Seems selfish right? So then there goes the guilt again. I used to have the money to have flowers and bollons sent to her grave in Salt Lake but that does not happen any more. I hate that. I hate that I can not even put a marker on her grave or rember what she looked like or what she sounded like any more. It is my fault that she is gone. I should have been a better mom and payed more attention to her and not let her be in a regular bed I should have made her sleep in her own bed and not let Jackie take her from me. If I was a good mom I would not have cared that I needed sleep, but would have stayed up with her. If I would have done those things my baby would be here today.One day I will be with her again, and I can not wait. Does that sound fair or selfish knowing I have other kids here? Wow I can not beleive I just let all of that out. First time I have really expressed how much I blame me for what happend to her to any one and here I am doing it on a blog that any one can read. Funny how somethings work in life.

What do you procrastinate about?

OK so tonight will not be to long as other nights as I am so behind with every thing this week. My house is dirty I have not cleaned it the way it needs to be cleaned I am supposed to be working on final drafts of both final papers for both of my classes and guess what I have not even wrote the first draft of either class. So I have all research done for one class and going to start with writing it tonight. I hope I can get it wrote tonight so that I can type it tomorrow and submit it and then work on the other paper. Kourtnie started track and wow she was there till almost 8 can do home work for these 2 class sitting at the track waiting on her. I never thought I would see the day when I would say Thank God I start math in 2 weeks. At least I will be able to do my home work in the car with the math. I slept all day and got up and did nothing. Can we see I am not on my meds and they are starting to go out of my system. I really need to find a new place to get my meds and get back into threapy. What are things that you procrastinate on? Mine is school work and exercies. Sunny days are here and I am so thankfull for that as I will have no excuess not to get out there and walk. I love Patty's idea of us starting a walking group at winton woods. Ya for sunshine.

Bad habits what do we do to trade one for another?

So here it is Tuesday and yesterday I had to make a really hard choice. I had to submit papers for Kourtnie to go back to that gosh for saken school. I had no choice. Cincinnati Christian said that I had to pay a 250 non refundable admintance fee and she may not be accepted. Ya I have 250 just laying around to give to the school and if they do not take her then I am really up the creek with out the paddle. I got lots done tonight though for the YW action Friday and I am really looking forwerd to making you guys some home made enchalada's empanada, real spanish rice and I am think either flan or rice pudding and will be bringing home made mexican hot coco for all to try. My weekend was great with my mom and sister, and we got to spend lots of time togeather and it was a first for me and my mom. She had both of her girls there at one time to spend time with and do stuff with. We got Kourts room all redecorated in hopes it help her feel better about her self. Next trip down will be painting my room from baby poop green to something more nice. I got a new rough on today and let me tell you someone banging on your head at 7 am is not my idea of fun when I stayed up till 4. I could not sleep. Now here is why I could not sleep. So I am doing good with eating and walking but I be dang if I did not trade the bad food habits for bad spending habits. I felt that I was intitled to do some things for myself as I never do at all, and get some new things for me and the kids. Now I new the money was there so we could get something to do with the tires on the car but I spent it any way. I felt I deserved it at the time, for all the good work I have done. I was not thinking how is this going to affect every one else in the house, but rather what I was going to gain from it for myself. So I stayed up most of the night feeling gulity about what I had done. Now every one in the house is going to be short this month all bills paid though. It is like when I was getting clean from drugs I traded coke for food. Now what am I going to do trade food for spending? It is all a cycle. So the weather is warming up and I want to get out and really walk who is up for it? I am so ready to have some time with the girls and just be able to walk. I need to keep me busy other then in the house cleaning and not having the support of Taffany put the check book away and lets go walk instead or lets get some home work done or lets get some canning done. I really want to learn to do this. I walk slow so do not expect a speed walker I go at a slow pass as I never know when the knee is going to out on me. I need to stop sometimes just to rest but I really need to get out there and get busy for real. So what are some habits that you trade that are bad and the new habit is just as bad?

What was your weekend like?

So my mom and sister have been here this weekend and we have had a great weekend. My mom even said it looks like I have lost some weight since she was here back at Christmas. Now I thought I had gained it but she asked me was I getting any exercies? Well yes and know. I get and move more and more each day but I do not think I am getting what I need altogether. Today I did great. I walked and stood for a good hour. But by the time we got to Jungle Jims haha my knee and back were killing me and I had to a scooter thing to go through the store. It made me so made because I wanted to walk more. But would my good old knee and back allow me to full fill my dream of that today? Of course not. But the point is I did it I got up and moved my big butt around a lot today. It makes me feel good to get done what I did do today. Will be glad when I get all of this weight off of me so they can fix my knees and my back. Gosh I feel so old and like I am falling a part some days. Going to make a GF dinner tomorow before my mom and sister leave, it is chicken so it is healthy for me. I hope every one is having a good weekend and has done something for them selves. Please post some of what you did this weekend that was just for you? I think that well I know the more I am doing for just me the better I am feeling. Could be all of the meds I am on but I am going to look at as Heavenly Father watching over me and helping me by answering my prayers to him about this whole weight.

Eat to sleep?

OK so I got kicked out of threapy. Great just what I needed right now right? I could not go on Friday because I was dealing with Kourtnie and her mess at school, and totally forgot about threapy. So now I need to find some one new to listen to me gripe every week about how bad life is and why I eat the way I do, as well keep me on my meds so that I stay sane, not that I feel sane right now even with everything I take. I sat down and all of the meds I take just to get out of bed everyday are a meal in its self every night. Taking all of them who can eat after werds? The past week has been hunky dory and that is being nice right? I went off on one of Kourtnie's teachers and told her how I really feel about her in so many words. What I really wanted to tell her was lady stop smoking pixi dust and come back to us here on Earth, I did tell her that I was tired of her belittling me all the time. I also told her if she talkes to my child the way she talks to me then it is no wonder my child does not want to listen to her. Ha ha that got a I am sending this to the principle and do you all think that he called back? Nope he has not called or emailed me back about any of this. Now I have to come up with 250.00 by Monday to get Kourtnie enrolled into a different school, and it is non refundable and she will have to be excepted. HMM wonder if they will want her after all that she has done this year. A hole in the wall here at home not listing to her teachers and making my car into car rempke. As I am told that is where every thing is going to is my car she forgets everything there. There is something positive though the sun was shining today! I was so happy when I got out of bed I went for a short walk down the hill and back as there is still snow on the sidewalks around here cause people do not shovle their walks like we do back home no one here seems to have the curtisy do this except us on our little strech of Clovernook ave. I came back in and I cleaned my kitchen, my living room and got most of my room done all of the laundry for this week, and Kalebs room is clean. Went and visited my neighbor across the street for a little while and baked my butt off tonight hence why I am still awake and have not went to bed yet. I did get some home work done but I am stuck with idea's for my final projects in both classes. That is a whole nother blog in its self. But I do have to say for the most part even with all of this stress I have done good with not over eating, now I am not going to say I have ate at the right times because I have not. It is one habbit that is so hard to break. Eating so I can go to sleep. How many of you do this? This is like the liquar you drink and get drunk and pass out. With food you eat you eat some more and then it is you have ate so much that you fall asleep. Same concept just a different drug. What are ways that we can come up to stop doing such things?

Things that make us feel good.

OK so today well yesterday I went and got my hair chopped! I also got it styled. It looks really good. I am so glad I finaly found someone in Cincinnati that can cute my hair with out messing it up or making it look bad. I have also commited myself to going and getting it done once a week. Instead of buying fast food that is just going to make me fat I am going to take that same money and save it so that I can get my hair done, and look good, and feel good about myself. I know it wasting money in a way but the upside to it is, it is one thing I can do for myself that is small and I can feel good about it knowing that I am not getting fat off of doing it. It will be a great treat. I could fit in the chair too. That is a big thing. I talked to the Bishop on Sunday I am going to start going to an addiction group that the church has to help deal with some of what I am going through. So the hospital had no beds for Kourtnie so will try and take her tomorrow and hope that they have a bed for her. What are somethings that you can find to do for yourself to help boost your self assteam?

What can we do to make our selves feel good?

So not much is different today then it was yesterday. I am greatful today is Sunday and I can have a day of relaxation. Or so it is supposed to be. I have so much to do and so little time to do it in. Helped Kourtnie get most of her home work done and going to not do a paper today so that I can help her get the rest of what she behind with done. My mom was not able to make it down here like she was supposed to so I am going to take her over to the hospital tomorrow on my own. Hopefully I can get an appointment with the Bishop as well so that I can get some of this stuff out there and check one more thing off of my list on this path to recovery. Have any of you watched the show Ruby? It is great. She weighed 750 lbs and is loosing weight and yet she goes down the same paths that I go down. Reading stuff from her and watching her show makes me think sometimes and say to myself oh my gosh that is so me, been there Ruby done that Ruby, Is it not funny how when we sit down as woman and really think about it we have so much more in common then what we think we all do. We all go through the same things just in different ways. What are some things that we as woman go through do you guys think that are all same just in different ways? I know struggling with food is one thing we all have in common. God is another thing we all have in common, our kids and some of the struggles we go through with them. But what are some personal things that just affect us as woman. I know one thing for me is execpting me for me and not caring what others think. Getting out of bed and making it through the day is a big thing for me. I had a some one tell me once just get up and get your but in here and walk around the water if you have too, you will be surprised at how much better you will start to feel because you are doing something for your self. I really think she is right. I think that we do so much for others that we for get that small things like exercising is not just good for us physically but mentally as well. I never really looked at it that until she brought it up to me like that.

Do you think how we eat affects how our kids eat?

So today was really rough. I missed therapy which means I am going to get kicked out cause I missed to many times. Go figure. But Kourtnie was having a crisis at school and I spent 2 hours up there dealing with her and her mess and totally forgot about therapy at 11. I was instead dealing with a kid that was in the middle of a melt down. So was I supposed to say hey Kourt sorry I have to go I have therapy stop your fit and I will be back in an hour? It does not work that way. They are looking at a admit for her because she is not eating, and she is harming herself. This week she has managed to put her head through the wall and have a few melt downs in school. So that brings me to today question. Do you all think that how we eat and the eating patterns we have affect our kids and how they eat? I really do think that it does. Katie will not eat cause she will get fat, same with Kourtnie. Kaleb is the only one that just does not eat cause he is to busy being a kid. Throw him a bowl of cereal or spaghetti and meat balls and he is good a microwave waffle or a pop tart and he is good to go. The girls tell me if we eat we will get fat. I know they do not want to be like me. But the sad truth is that is how I started out with my eating problems in the 4th grade. I would throw up after I ate so I would not get fat cause I thought I was at 10. I was 80 lbs and the height I am now. I in my mind thought I was the biggest thing that walked the face of the earth. For me it was hiding behind my pain of not having my parents in my life. I wanted to be like the other kids at school not living with my Aunt's mother in Law. My dad I can blame for that. So what do I tell them guess what guys I did the same things at your age and look at me now I am fat and I eat to make me feel good cause I do not know how to do it on my own. I do not know how to make me happy. I do not know how to tell people know I can help you, cause when I do I feel bad cause I know I could have helped them out. So it is just easier to help the out. Then I think what the heck did I do that for? You have to tell them know so you can tell yourself know. Not that it should be all the time I know it is good to help others do not get me wrong. I just need to help myself first. I feel I am not truly helping the person from my hart because I am not willing to help me get better.

Pain how does it affect your eating?

So I no this is late but as they say better late then never and today will have 2 posts. Yesterday I did get out and move around. I did a little better on the food I had a peice of fish with some tarter sauce on it, for dinner I had a cup of hamburger helper and a small peice of garlic bread. I drank a lot of tea though and just wish I could get the umph to drink water. But just the tought of it grosses me out. Water tasts so gross since my by pass and I think it is mind over matter and since I know I am supposed to drink 64oz of it a day I find other liqueds just as good. I am going to try and cut out soda all togeather again. I had lost quiet a bit before when I cut it out. Is it not amazing that even what we drink can put weight on us. Oh yes I for got the pastashios that I ate today as well. Now today is going to be really busy as my mom and sister will be here so the house has to be cleaned from top to bottom. So do not know if I will get out and walk as I will be going up and down stairs a lot and I do not know how my knee's are going to hold out or my back for that matter, sleep is not coming to good for me as the pain in my back just keeps getting worse and worse the pain pills do not work any more. I guess it is time to go back to the Dr. again, I know surgry is not an option now until I have lost more weight. But the pain from the endo is getting worse so I know the hystorectomy will be soon. Oh I will be so glad that will be one less thing to have pain with. Pain at times gets to me and it makes me eat. If I am feeling pain in my stomach then the other pain goes away. Does any one else go through that? Cover one pain with another?

Better in some ways worse in others

So today was a really rough day. It started at 5 am and let me tell I now have a much bigger and better respect for my friends that get up that early and some even earler then that to get their kids to siminary and I am thinking that I may just let Kourtnie get her licences when she is 16 just so I do not have to get up that early! Ha ha call it lazy if you want but that I am in the mornings. I did not sleep much last night as I was in a lot of pain and my mind just could not stop racing. So where did that leave me today? Tired and wore out. I did make a goal today though and that was to walk. It was not far but I walked about half a block and I brought in all the grocies on my own and got the pantry cleaned up and reorginized. So that was an acoplishment for me. I have been saying I was going to do it for the past few weeks and I just have not had the motavation to just get up and do it. Kaleb had his blue and gold dinner tonight and had a blast. He got to hold one of the flags for the flag cerimony. He was really happy he got to it. I am so glad he is starting to come out of his shell and make some friends at church. So for food today I had a spanish omlet and a piece of ham. For dinner I had a piece of fried chicken, potatoes, 2 rolls, some cole slaw, a half a cup of root beer, 4 apple slices, some baked beans, and a few bits of mac and cheese. My eyes were bigger then my stomach though and I did not finish my plate, I had about 3 bites off a piece of cake as well and I made cookies last night so I had 4 sinckerdoodles. To drink I have had 4 cups of tea today. So while I did get out and exerices my eating was not such a good day. I had a meeting this morning with Kourtnies teachers and the intervention team at her school. She is doing worse there then what I thought. I was also told that she is talking to boys that are older then she is. I am scared to death. I do not want her to make the same mistakes as me. I love my kids do not get me wrong but I sure wish I would have waited to have them all instead of struggling the way I do. So that is it in a nut shell. Hopefully tomorrow will be a better day with food, and exercies. I hope that all of you have had a great day with food and exercising and that you meet your goals for the day. I think Patty said it well, just pray and Heavenly Father will get you through but he does expect you to do your part as well.

What makes us eat, and get moving?

So today I think was better then yesterday when it comes to food. For breakfast I had a egg with cheese, and for lunch I had a lean cuzine that was meatloaf and potatoes. For dinner Kourtnie is making raveollies. I am going to have a bowl of them but have not messuared it out yet as I have not had a chance to sit down and eat dinner yet. So let me ask this to all. What makes you eat? Is it stress? Boardum? I do it for both reasons. Food is a comfort for me. When I am stressed out or mad I turn to food to comfort me. When I am in pain and do not want to feel the pain any more I eat. I feel pain now when I eat because just a little bit of food makes me full quickly still even though my surgry was revised they can not give me back my old stomach I still have a little pouch that only holds 4 oz at a time. I did walk a little today, just not what I wanted. Where or where is the motavation I need to just get up and walk. To just get up and move. I feel sometimes the medicine does not work it makes me feel worse that I have to take medicine just to get out of bed in the morning. I hate that. I just want to be normal, get up and move around clean my house and be a normal person like other mom's. So tell me what makes you eat and what gives you motavation to just get up and move?

The begining of the new me and hopefully you

OK so my home work this week in therapy was to start a blog. This is going to be a place where I can start to be accountable for what I eat and how much I exercise. That has been a really hard thing for me, but I can see myself going back to that old me and I swore that after I had my gastric-bypass that I would never get to be that big again. I am now up to 320 lbs and that is scaring me. So this will be a place where rather you are fat or not fat you can be accountable for what you eat and what you do with food. Food is a really bad addiction. The messed up part about is that unlike drugs, or other addictions food is something that we need every day to survive in life. So I need to eat so that I can live but when I eat, it is killing me. I watch others eat and never gain weight and I can not say that it does not bother me. I really want to be that mom that can go on rides at the amusement park with her kids. Ha ha that seems like it will never happen. So here it goes today I have at 2 breakfast burritos from McDonald's, and a yogurt parfait, that was breakfast with a med. coke heavy ice. For lunch I had a half of a fish sandwich from Frishers, and some Ice tea. For dinner I had some chicken wings, and dumplings, some apple slices and a lot more tea. Way to much food for me considering I have not moved around a lot other then a walk through Kroger's and from the car to co-op and some around the classroom, and even that was not a lot. Goal for tomorrow will be to eat only 1200 calories, and walk for 10 min. straight even if it is just up and down the drive way. I really can not wait for it to get warmer I would love for my friends to help me start a walking club where we can walk around Winton Woods Park. So that is my first post. I did it. I hope that others will find this to be a place where they can also just poor it out and I am hoping that it will help me to be more accountable. I want people to call me on things if I do not blog every thing that I ate for the say and you seen me eating something I should not have been eating or I did not write about call me on it. Call me on it when you see I am not walking or getting some kind of exercise.