Hard lesessons and what do we do to cover up our mistakes?

Lessons can sometimes be hard to learn the first time around. I have learned a hard lesson in life though these past few weeks. I totally screwed up our bank account. I put us in the hole with my spending. Thinking that spending was going to help I did loose some weight. But it has cost not just me but my whole family. I came clean to Alex today though and man did it feel good. I do not know how any could something like that all the time from their spouse. It was making me sick. All of things he said to me I could not get mad at because they were the truth. I have learned my lesson though. I know what we are going through and yet all I thought about was my self. As I was sitting up thinking last night Taffany what the hell are you doing, this is just like being on drugs again. No I am not getting high off of something that is illegal but I am getting high off of spending money. Another way to mask what the real problem really is and another way to trade one addiction for another. I think food is a much cheaper way to go then blowing all of ones money. Then I though hell at least I have something to show for it when I am eating it may not be pretty to look at but I do have something to look at. When you blow money on nothing there is nothing to show for it other then regret. Not that it is not there with food, but you can cover it up with more food. When you are blowing money and it is gone there is nothing else there and then there is shame, not just regret but a huge amount of shame to go with it, and nothing to show for it in the end. I had some ask me why do I eat, I am so big, did I not learn anything from my surgery. I just had to laugh hello had I leaned anything I would not be getting fatter and if I new why I ate the way I do would I be as fat as I am now? Or would be just the oppisit and I would have no meat on me at all because I would never eat and still see my self as fat. That is how it was in the 3rd grade for me I wad just throw up and make my self sick because I was fat. Now every one around me thought I was crazy, because how as a 5'4" girl at 90 lbs fat? To me I was I wanted to just go away because I could not stand how I looked. Who would have thought that, that skinny little girl would be as fat as I am now. I know every one says it does not matte what is on the outside that matters but rather what is on the inside that counts. I laugh at that too because I think you have to feel that way on the inside about your self for it to really work and be believable. Just when I think things are going to start looking up they go down again. It is a nasty cycle that I would love to end. I am going to start researching inpatient facilities for eating disorders. There are so many out there that think that you have to barf or not eat to have a eating disorder I laugh at those people as well, they think those fat people should just stop eating, then they would not be fat at all stop eating and get up and move, I wish it were that simple. Tell me what are some things that you do to hide what is really going on or how you really feel? When you do them do they make you feel good at the time and like a ass in the end?