Thursday, May 13, 2010
Down home and getting better
So here it is May and I only had 2 posts last month. Math is really kicking me in the you know what. I suck at it and really find it pointless and other then teaching kids how to write their letters I will not use anything I am learning in this class or the next one if and when I get a job. So this week I had a really long talk with a great friend. We prayed for a long time and he is going to continue to pray for me and was just amazed at how much I really am carrying right now. He said if was him, he would be about where I am at now as well. I have come to realize that even with friends to help me and support me and family as well at this point to get my eating disorder under control it is going to take more then just out patient help to get me through this and be a healthy happier person then what I am now. I also admitted how easy it would be right now to just walk out and not be a mother or wife any more and how I really do not care to do any of it any more and just how tired I really am. I know that I have a better life then a lot of people out there do not get me wrong, I have a great husband at times and I have wonderful kids that I love to death. But I really do feel that as sick as I am in the head I am not a good mother or wife to any of them right now. So the plan is going to be trying to get the insurance to help me find some where to go in patient after I graduate in September. In the mean time I will be trying to find some place out patient to help with some meds so that I do not end up hurting me or the kids or some one else and I do feel that way a lot of the time. I see my self going back to where i I was after I had Kaleb. Getting fat, ugly and not wanting to get out of bed. I am done with church for a while, I figure if I can not get out of bed to get the kids ready for school how can I commit myself to something all the time, that I do not feel is helping me. I know I should not feel this way and I know some are going to say church is where you need to be. But when I know my limits and I know where I am emotional it is better for me and my big mouth to just stay away so that I really do not hurt others with what I have to say. I know when I get like being by my self is much better then being around people. People of ignorance and stupidity I can not deal with when I am in this state. I know this is how I got really fat and sick the first time around, but I did not have a plan place then nor did I admit that there was something wrong with me, then either. I sore I would never go back to 500lbs again and I will not, but for now I just need to be by self, and work with professionals to help me. When I asked for help in my own way to someone that I thought should have helped being a leader to me I was shot down. And I do not think it was fully understood what I am really going through. But after the talk I had with my friend I think that there may just be some light at the end of this tunnel and they are going to help me in way that they can to get there. Prayer is what I need right now so please do that. I can not wait to just get away from the nasty nati for a while either. I am hopping that by next summer things will be right and I can take my kids back to where I grew up in Del Norte so they can meet the people I grew up with and some old family that is still there. I think about the song Down Home, by Alabama when I think of Del Norte. It is a place where people know you by name and treat you like family. There are old men sitting around checker boards and telling lies. One stop light in the whole town and every one knows every one. I want my kids to see that and experience it, and know where I really came from. Go and ride horses and moter bikes, rope goats, and kick crap, not just at the fair, but have true fun, pure down home fun. So that is my goal to get better so that next summer I can take my kids home and do those things with them.
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I know you don't want to hear it, but I'mma say it anyways. COME TO CHURCH! Come sit with me in Sunbeams, whatever...just come. I know you are worried about your mouth and what you might say, but you can't expect Heavenly father to help you if you don't put Him first. I am not saying He would ever turn his back on you, but I know from experience, that even when you don't want to (or feel you just can't) get to church, that is when you need it most. Satan wins when you quit.
ReplyDeleteI will continue to pray for you and your family. You have come so far in the last couple of years. Look at where you were and where you are now. You can do ANYTHING you put your mind to. If for no other reason, bring your kids to church. Help them create the habit of coming.
I know I am getting preachy on ya...but I enjoy seeing and talking with you at church. It is the only time I get to really.
I am working overnights on Sat nights but still plan to come to church on Sun. I want to see you there too! :)
(((((((((Taffany)))))))))
Hang in there!
I came *this* close to going inpatient with this last crash. I hope it works out and that you find it relaxing and helpful. Just getting away from all the stress for a while would have to help.
ReplyDeleteI know what you mean about church. I haven't been going. Sometimes you need a break, not from God but from people.
Hang in there.
((((((Taffany)))))))
ReplyDeleteDid you read any of the book I gave you? Our group meets Sunday nights 7:30pm. Please consider coming. If you need a ride let me know.
Nothing I say is going to convince you or change your mind if you've made a decision, but I feel like I have to tell you that I think you're picking the wrong path. I don't know if you see me as one of the "ignorant" ones but I hope that you won't get mad at me for being blunt with you. True ignorance is having the key to unlocking happiness and stuffing it away in a drawer rather than taking the trouble to unlock the door. And technically, in God's eyes we are ALL ignorant. Not one of us has figured out how to live perfectly and not screw up.
ReplyDeleteNothing that you do on your own is ever going to help you as much as the gospel will. No inpatient treatment will give you the healing that Jesus can. It's not a matter of willpower or changing yourself... it's a matter of giving yourself over to God and letting Him do the majority of the work. It's a lot easier to turn to human interventions because they're here and they're solid and you can see what they're doing and see some results. But what you don't see is the you that God is wanting you to become. He loves you regardless of how much you weigh, how depressed or angry you are, or what you end up saying to others.
You can't really know or understand His plan for you if you aren't in His house on Sunday. No amount of bible reading will help you as much as the example and teaching of others who have already found the way and are trying their hardest to stick with it.
When we're open to not only learning the gospel, but also applying it, we experience so many wonderful changes in our lives. That takes humility to admit that you don't know it all already and that you don't understand how to apply it.
It takes a lot of faith to keep going when it seems like it doesn't do any good. But faith isn't faith if it isn't tested.
Just ask yourself... has staying away from church ever actually helped me make any positive changes in my life? Have I seen other people's lives get better when they've turned their back on the gospel? Who are the happiest people I know, and what makes them so happy?
One thing I've learned in my life is to look at the people around me. I've watched and learned from them. From some I've learned what NOT to do, paths to avoid, and pitfalls that could easily trap me also. But there have been many, many others who I have learned the right way of doing things from, ones who are happy and loving. I've learned to be a good mom, wife, and sister in Christ through being around such good people. (I'm still working on learning how to be a good friend and other things, but again, I've got some good and some bad examples to teach me that too.)
ReplyDeleteThe bottom line is that if you really believe in the church and you have a testimony that it's true, then you have a responsibility to act on that. You need to make the choice to accept it or reject it, to learn from it or turn your back on it. I know in my heart that it IS true. I can look back at my life and very clearly see how it's changed me and helped me. There is no doubt in my mind that it is God and His gospel that have brought me to where I am today. And I have just as firm a testimony that if I can do it, ANYONE can. The best thing is, I now KNOW that God loves me and that has changed the way I think, act, and live.
I'd hate to see you stop coming to church. Like Michelle I really do enjoy seeing you and talking to you. I like YOU. I won't quit being friends with you if you stop coming, but it's much harder to become closer friends if I rarely see you. I think you need the friendship, love, and teaching of the women at church. It's worth the effort of getting up early on Sunday. It's worth fighting the darkness and the depression. Come and renew your covenants and teach your own children a better way. Think about the legacy you want to leave your children. Do you want them to feel that church is an optional meeting on Sunday or do you want them to feel the burning of a deep testimony that keeps them wanting to be there rather than somewhere else? Do you want them to learn how to overcome the struggles they have? Come on Sunday learn together as a family.
I'm sorry if I've offended you with this or just sounded "preachy." I care about you and don't want to see you go back to where you were so unhappy. I want you to finally feel loved and to understand just how valuable you are.
Hey Taffany, I guess I wanted to comment again because I seem to be the only one understanding that while for Christians, God may be essential for our happiness, church is not.
ReplyDeleteSometimes we need a break from people or organizations. You can study alone for a while or take a break all together. God WILL NOT DESERT YOU because you feel anxious around people for a while. He loves you and wants you to succeed and when you are dealing with a disease like yours (ours) the solution is sometimes different than those around you want it to be.
Hope you're feeling better soon.
Here are some inspired words about why we DO need to be in church on Sunday:
ReplyDelete"Someone not too long ago told me, "The closer I feel to God, the less need I feel to be in church." Now, that's not a Biblical way of thinking. You can't be close to Christ and keep your distance from the rest of His body. We're members of His body. We fit together; we're connected to Him, inseparably connected to Him and to each other.
We're interdependent on each other as my hand and my arm and my body. All my body parts are interdependent on each other. One can't function without the others. The body parts can't function without the head. We're interdependent on each other. We need each other for our very life.
Every member of the body is essential. No part is indispensable. If you aren't there, it makes a difference to the whole. You can't say, "It doesn't need me." It can't say, "We don't need you." If you're not there, if one part is missing, if I didn't have this hand, my whole body would have problems. You don't realize it till you miss a part. Sometimes you just take them for granted, and isn't that the way it often is in the body of Christ? We don't miss each other until we realize there's some function missing here.
We don't always know what the function is. There are parts of our body that I don't exactly know what they do or how they work or why they're needed. I mean, some of those parts that you can't see and don't talk about a lot--I mean, what's the pancreas, the spleen? Some of you know what all those parts do, but I really don't. But I assume if God put it in the body, there's a reason for it; there's a need for it.
And so as we think about the church, I want to make two points here. Number one: you need the body. And number two: the rest of the body needs you. First, you need the body. You cannot function alone without the body of Christ. You are not complete without the other members. You need the spiritual gifts that God has given to others that you don't have. You need those gifts working in your life if you're going to become like Christ.
You need the Spiritual nourishment and encouragement and accountability and counsel and insight and practical help and comfort in your life that the rest of the members of the body can supply. You say, "But they don't supply it." You're right. We don't do it the way we should, but that doesn't mean we give up on it.
It means we get in there and we pray and we serve and we ask God to make the body more like what it ought to be. We don't just discard it because it's not working perfectly or it's not always working as it should. You need the body; I need the body." (Nancy Leigh DeMoss- Revive Our Hearts Ministry)
Thank you all for the encouraging words I will get where I need to be I will be posting on here a statement that a good friend made she can not post on here for some reason. But what she said makes lots since and I will get there, it will just take time and all of you just being there for me. Thanks.
ReplyDeleteTaffany, seems one has to have some sort of profile to post to your blog, so here is my reply. You've covered a lot of turf in this blog! Taffany, you have kept up a tremendous pace in spite of not yet being at your best. Even though you weigh less than you used to, you still have to work harder than most to accomplish everything you do, and you do a lot. Add to that unresolved sleep disorders that would bring anyone down. The surprise is not in that you are crashing, but that you have maintained so well for so long. We've talked before about this, but I think your sleep disorders are sabotaging your weight loss efforts. I've lived that. Still living it. I hope you do get to go somewhere and tend to yourself for a while, nothing wrong with that. And that you get to revisit a simpler time and place. Just want to encourage you to in the meantime maintain your efforts to do all you can day to day to fight your battles. It's such a lure to hang our hopes on a distant event being the answer and slip into waiting mode as our troubles (and pounds) compound. About your level of involvement at church - stepping back can be a slippery slope. Just don't get too close to the edge. In relationships we disappoint each other, and at times we need to sort thru it all. Just don't shut out those who truly care. Those who really don't, hey, so be it. Rest if you must. Take care of yourself. Just reserve major decisions for when you can make them out of a healthier frame of mind. A sleep deprived mind is not a healthy one! Often it is an irritable and emotional one that is struggling just to stay functional. Don't be too hard on yourself. You've got a lot to deal with, but those things are not impossible. Pray that you find the balance between expecting your personal best from yourself in your situation, and expecting too much. If you'd like to meet somewhere and talk sometime, let me know.
ReplyDeleteThat was from my friend Kathy.
ReplyDelete