Who wants to walk how many are hidding behind their true feelings?

OK so I went walking again today. Let me tell it is a lot more fun to walk with Michele then it is to walk with Alex. So ladies start signing up to go walking. Unless it is pouring down rain of course or snowing or lighting. I did push myself though. Well Alex started pushing wich made me mad as hell that he would not listen to me that I was just hurting way to bad to keep going. So that made me go even more just to show him that I could do it. Ha ha I am so paying for it tonight though, my back is killing me and by the time I got back to my porch I was I could not feel my legs. In a way it was good that he did not let me quit but he needed to listen to me when I said I was in to much pain to go on. I think most of you know by now do not erk me off or I will prove you wrong. Michele was a great insperation and great to talk to. Alex on the other hand ha ha may be it is a man thing, I do not know. So finals have me so stressed out that I am not eating much at all but staying loaded on caffine so that I can stay awake and get the papers wrote. Score one for I got the Goverment paper wrote now just have to type it up. Score two is I have my bulliton board done, thanks to Sarah and her great idea's to get me going. So the question of the day is how many of you just want to give up some days and walk away from it all? I had this talk with some one today and was told that as mothers we all have had those feelings at one point or another. I feel like that most of the time. Today as I was walking over the brige I thought to my self when I was growing up I never rembered there being fences so high on over passes, or there never were fences. So I guess they put them up for people like me who would like to just go jump off that over pass some days. May be it is me not being on my meds that make me feel that way, maybe not. There are days that I really do feel like Alex and the kids would be better off with out me. No more worries about mommy being fat, or unhealthy. No more feeling like I can not eat cause if I do I will get fat like mommy, I see all of the things my kids are going through and it is my fault that they are going through it. But then I say to myself Taffany this is just a journey in your path that Heavenly Father has given you. Big part of it is April 4th is coming up and Rocsheda will be gone for 11 years this year. She would have been 11 going on 12. Last year I had a complete break down because I for got about her day, her day when she left me to go home. I get like this every year I just want to go home with her and take care of her and know that she is OK. I know that she is but there is that mother part of me that just wants my baby back. Seems selfish right? So then there goes the guilt again. I used to have the money to have flowers and bollons sent to her grave in Salt Lake but that does not happen any more. I hate that. I hate that I can not even put a marker on her grave or rember what she looked like or what she sounded like any more. It is my fault that she is gone. I should have been a better mom and payed more attention to her and not let her be in a regular bed I should have made her sleep in her own bed and not let Jackie take her from me. If I was a good mom I would not have cared that I needed sleep, but would have stayed up with her. If I would have done those things my baby would be here today.One day I will be with her again, and I can not wait. Does that sound fair or selfish knowing I have other kids here? Wow I can not beleive I just let all of that out. First time I have really expressed how much I blame me for what happend to her to any one and here I am doing it on a blog that any one can read. Funny how somethings work in life.