Tuesday, March 30, 2010

How many things do we start and never finish is it part of the patteren?

OK so much so much and yet so little time right? I lost my walking buddy although for a good reason and so now I need a new one. It is getting warmer so now there are no excuses to just get up and get out there and do it other then I just really need motivation. I need that cheering section to get me going. Easter this year wow, so we are getting balloons, and the kids and I are writing letters to Rocsheda, if any one else would like to do the same thing and give them to me I would love to put them in the balloons. We are going to let them off on Sunday after church. My mom and sister will be here so I hope that helps me get through the day a lot easier then I did last year. I can say at least I am not in the hospital having a melt down like I did last year. I also have the play to look forward too. I will have some great friends there to see us on our last performance. I am so glad that I have been able to be a part of bring Christ into some one life. Even if it was just one person. I feel good too, I was asked to make some one a birthday cake nothing fancy cause my decorating skills are to be desired and well I really need to take Marla's cake class I just have to get the money together to do it. One day it is on my list of things to do before I kick the bucket, decorate one really good cake. We go back to court on the 23 too. I am really praying that this will be the last time and Alex will get his papers and he can get a real job and we can get on our feet. I hate living like this I am tired of it, I know if I am tired of it I can not even imagine what he feels like. Time to spring clean too and I know it needs it in here I just have no will power to get it done. There is so much I want to get organized and just have no clue where to start at. I start a 100 different things and then nothing gets done at all. So here I am I am taking a step and saying hey I need help here. I need to clean stuff out, of the house, I think if I get stuff cleaned out of here it will help clear my mind and help me clear some junk out of my mind. I am going to call tomorrow and see what I can do about getting in some where so I can get back on my med's. I hate being on all of them but you know what it sure beets how I feel now. My mind is like a barreling train coming down a track with no where to stop it sucks feeling like this. I guess I would rather be loaded and think straight then barreling and not thinking straight. I also meet some one that works for the Dr. I have been looking at to do my Lap band. She is going to sit down with me hopefully some time next week so we can talk about some stuff so I can get started on getting it done. I know it will just be a tool for me, to go with the steps I am taking to over come this addiction. I hope every one has a great Easter and has many blessings with it.

Wednesday, March 24, 2010

It all makes sence if we think about it. What Genes do you think you have that make you fat?

Kathy Teague February 28 at 1:12pm
Over the years I have eaten for all the reasons already mentioned. Any excuse would do. Even when I was fit and active. Many times I have hidden to eat so others wouldn't know how many donuts or pieces of pizza I really ate. I know some of it was emotional. Life has had some difficult times, some of my own doing, some not. But all that aside, a few years ago I made some discoveries that helped me forgive myself for what seemed like a character flaw of being undisciplined. I was diagnosed with Obstructive Sleep Apnea and Periodic Limb Movement Disorder. In learning about my sleep disorders I found that sleep is so intricately tied to appetite hormones, cravngs, and metabolism. Although my nighttime limb movements are resistent to treatment, treating the apnea remarkably reduced my food desires and increased my energy for activity. I had been symptomatic for apnea most of my life. It can be hereditary, a matter of structures within the throat or the jaw. I always thought apnea was an old fat man's problem - NOT! I still struggle with my weight and have other limiting health issues. Have lost 55 lbs since my peak but have plateaued lately. My latest breakthru in thinking has been in recognizing that unhealthy eating is self abuse, and feeding that food to my loved ones is as much abuse as poisoning them. Now that is sobering! Best wishes Taffy as you go forward and claim a better future for you and your family. OK this is from a fellow friend on face book. For some reason it would not let her post so I am posting it for her. When I read it, it got me thinking to something that my Dr. that did my sleep study said to me, it would be really intreasting to see if your weight is because of something heriditary. My grandma and others on my dads side are huge and were huge. What do others think? Do you think some of your weight issues have to do with your genes? I no that I do not sleep well and when I am up I want to eat, and then sleep all day. What about others?

Sunday, March 21, 2010

Keeping focuse

So much so much to tell and oh I just have put it all off. This last week has been so crazy. 2 dress rehersals, 3 actual performances and I have lost some weight cause the costum that was made for me is too big from when she first messuraed me. Now it could just be too that my fat is shifting around. But I am hoping it is cause I am loosing as a few of my capri's that were tight this fall are fighting a little looser again. I was in a car acident last night not my fault and go figure they ran and before I could get out of the car the person had already taken off. More motivation to loose weight I guess. Kaleb is exicted he made it to regionals for Bible quizing and Katie is pissed cause she worked hard not as hard as last year and she did not make it this year. I told her it was OK she would do better next year. Ha ha tell that to a perfectionist. She looked at me like my head was backwerds. I am taking all of the walking up and down stairs at the play this last week as exercies. No I have not been walking, but at least I am moving. I was going to go out of town for spring break with the kids but since Kaleb made it to regional I will have to save the money so we can go up to Mt. Vernon in May. I can tell my meds have wore off I am wanting to sleep more and more and I am loosing energy fast. Have no clue what I am going to do to get back on meds or with the way Medicade is working if they will even pay for them. I am loosing meds left and right cause I can not pay for them and Medicaide will not pay for them. Ha ha I guess when I am in the hospital and they are paying higher bills with that then they will maybe start paying for some of them again. I need to find an outlit to focus on so that I can keep energy up and not just give up. Although that is where I am at now, just give up. It is getting harder and harder to just deal with normal things. I do not even say stuff to the kids no more when they are acting out. What is the point they listen as well as the wall does. What are some outlits you all use to keep focused?

Thursday, March 11, 2010

Who wants to walk how many are hidding behind their true feelings?

OK so I went walking again today. Let me tell it is a lot more fun to walk with Michele then it is to walk with Alex. So ladies start signing up to go walking. Unless it is pouring down rain of course or snowing or lighting. I did push myself though. Well Alex started pushing wich made me mad as hell that he would not listen to me that I was just hurting way to bad to keep going. So that made me go even more just to show him that I could do it. Ha ha I am so paying for it tonight though, my back is killing me and by the time I got back to my porch I was I could not feel my legs. In a way it was good that he did not let me quit but he needed to listen to me when I said I was in to much pain to go on. I think most of you know by now do not erk me off or I will prove you wrong. Michele was a great insperation and great to talk to. Alex on the other hand ha ha may be it is a man thing, I do not know. So finals have me so stressed out that I am not eating much at all but staying loaded on caffine so that I can stay awake and get the papers wrote. Score one for I got the Goverment paper wrote now just have to type it up. Score two is I have my bulliton board done, thanks to Sarah and her great idea's to get me going. So the question of the day is how many of you just want to give up some days and walk away from it all? I had this talk with some one today and was told that as mothers we all have had those feelings at one point or another. I feel like that most of the time. Today as I was walking over the brige I thought to my self when I was growing up I never rembered there being fences so high on over passes, or there never were fences. So I guess they put them up for people like me who would like to just go jump off that over pass some days. May be it is me not being on my meds that make me feel that way, maybe not. There are days that I really do feel like Alex and the kids would be better off with out me. No more worries about mommy being fat, or unhealthy. No more feeling like I can not eat cause if I do I will get fat like mommy, I see all of the things my kids are going through and it is my fault that they are going through it. But then I say to myself Taffany this is just a journey in your path that Heavenly Father has given you. Big part of it is April 4th is coming up and Rocsheda will be gone for 11 years this year. She would have been 11 going on 12. Last year I had a complete break down because I for got about her day, her day when she left me to go home. I get like this every year I just want to go home with her and take care of her and know that she is OK. I know that she is but there is that mother part of me that just wants my baby back. Seems selfish right? So then there goes the guilt again. I used to have the money to have flowers and bollons sent to her grave in Salt Lake but that does not happen any more. I hate that. I hate that I can not even put a marker on her grave or rember what she looked like or what she sounded like any more. It is my fault that she is gone. I should have been a better mom and payed more attention to her and not let her be in a regular bed I should have made her sleep in her own bed and not let Jackie take her from me. If I was a good mom I would not have cared that I needed sleep, but would have stayed up with her. If I would have done those things my baby would be here today.One day I will be with her again, and I can not wait. Does that sound fair or selfish knowing I have other kids here? Wow I can not beleive I just let all of that out. First time I have really expressed how much I blame me for what happend to her to any one and here I am doing it on a blog that any one can read. Funny how somethings work in life.

Tuesday, March 9, 2010

What do you procrastinate about?

OK so tonight will not be to long as other nights as I am so behind with every thing this week. My house is dirty I have not cleaned it the way it needs to be cleaned I am supposed to be working on final drafts of both final papers for both of my classes and guess what I have not even wrote the first draft of either class. So I have all research done for one class and going to start with writing it tonight. I hope I can get it wrote tonight so that I can type it tomorrow and submit it and then work on the other paper. Kourtnie started track and wow she was there till almost 8 can do home work for these 2 class sitting at the track waiting on her. I never thought I would see the day when I would say Thank God I start math in 2 weeks. At least I will be able to do my home work in the car with the math. I slept all day and got up and did nothing. Can we see I am not on my meds and they are starting to go out of my system. I really need to find a new place to get my meds and get back into threapy. What are things that you procrastinate on? Mine is school work and exercies. Sunny days are here and I am so thankfull for that as I will have no excuess not to get out there and walk. I love Patty's idea of us starting a walking group at winton woods. Ya for sunshine.

Monday, March 8, 2010

Bad habits what do we do to trade one for another?

So here it is Tuesday and yesterday I had to make a really hard choice. I had to submit papers for Kourtnie to go back to that gosh for saken school. I had no choice. Cincinnati Christian said that I had to pay a 250 non refundable admintance fee and she may not be accepted. Ya I have 250 just laying around to give to the school and if they do not take her then I am really up the creek with out the paddle. I got lots done tonight though for the YW action Friday and I am really looking forwerd to making you guys some home made enchalada's empanada, real spanish rice and I am think either flan or rice pudding and will be bringing home made mexican hot coco for all to try. My weekend was great with my mom and sister, and we got to spend lots of time togeather and it was a first for me and my mom. She had both of her girls there at one time to spend time with and do stuff with. We got Kourts room all redecorated in hopes it help her feel better about her self. Next trip down will be painting my room from baby poop green to something more nice. I got a new rough on today and let me tell you someone banging on your head at 7 am is not my idea of fun when I stayed up till 4. I could not sleep. Now here is why I could not sleep. So I am doing good with eating and walking but I be dang if I did not trade the bad food habits for bad spending habits. I felt that I was intitled to do some things for myself as I never do at all, and get some new things for me and the kids. Now I new the money was there so we could get something to do with the tires on the car but I spent it any way. I felt I deserved it at the time, for all the good work I have done. I was not thinking how is this going to affect every one else in the house, but rather what I was going to gain from it for myself. So I stayed up most of the night feeling gulity about what I had done. Now every one in the house is going to be short this month all bills paid though. It is like when I was getting clean from drugs I traded coke for food. Now what am I going to do trade food for spending? It is all a cycle. So the weather is warming up and I want to get out and really walk who is up for it? I am so ready to have some time with the girls and just be able to walk. I need to keep me busy other then in the house cleaning and not having the support of Taffany put the check book away and lets go walk instead or lets get some home work done or lets get some canning done. I really want to learn to do this. I walk slow so do not expect a speed walker I go at a slow pass as I never know when the knee is going to out on me. I need to stop sometimes just to rest but I really need to get out there and get busy for real. So what are some habits that you trade that are bad and the new habit is just as bad?

Saturday, March 6, 2010

What was your weekend like?

So my mom and sister have been here this weekend and we have had a great weekend. My mom even said it looks like I have lost some weight since she was here back at Christmas. Now I thought I had gained it but she asked me was I getting any exercies? Well yes and know. I get and move more and more each day but I do not think I am getting what I need altogether. Today I did great. I walked and stood for a good hour. But by the time we got to Jungle Jims haha my knee and back were killing me and I had to a scooter thing to go through the store. It made me so made because I wanted to walk more. But would my good old knee and back allow me to full fill my dream of that today? Of course not. But the point is I did it I got up and moved my big butt around a lot today. It makes me feel good to get done what I did do today. Will be glad when I get all of this weight off of me so they can fix my knees and my back. Gosh I feel so old and like I am falling a part some days. Going to make a GF dinner tomorow before my mom and sister leave, it is chicken so it is healthy for me. I hope every one is having a good weekend and has done something for them selves. Please post some of what you did this weekend that was just for you? I think that well I know the more I am doing for just me the better I am feeling. Could be all of the meds I am on but I am going to look at as Heavenly Father watching over me and helping me by answering my prayers to him about this whole weight.

Thursday, March 4, 2010

Eat to sleep?

OK so I got kicked out of threapy. Great just what I needed right now right? I could not go on Friday because I was dealing with Kourtnie and her mess at school, and totally forgot about threapy. So now I need to find some one new to listen to me gripe every week about how bad life is and why I eat the way I do, as well keep me on my meds so that I stay sane, not that I feel sane right now even with everything I take. I sat down and all of the meds I take just to get out of bed everyday are a meal in its self every night. Taking all of them who can eat after werds? The past week has been hunky dory and that is being nice right? I went off on one of Kourtnie's teachers and told her how I really feel about her in so many words. What I really wanted to tell her was lady stop smoking pixi dust and come back to us here on Earth, I did tell her that I was tired of her belittling me all the time. I also told her if she talkes to my child the way she talks to me then it is no wonder my child does not want to listen to her. Ha ha that got a I am sending this to the principle and do you all think that he called back? Nope he has not called or emailed me back about any of this. Now I have to come up with 250.00 by Monday to get Kourtnie enrolled into a different school, and it is non refundable and she will have to be excepted. HMM wonder if they will want her after all that she has done this year. A hole in the wall here at home not listing to her teachers and making my car into car rempke. As I am told that is where every thing is going to is my car she forgets everything there. There is something positive though the sun was shining today! I was so happy when I got out of bed I went for a short walk down the hill and back as there is still snow on the sidewalks around here cause people do not shovle their walks like we do back home no one here seems to have the curtisy do this except us on our little strech of Clovernook ave. I came back in and I cleaned my kitchen, my living room and got most of my room done all of the laundry for this week, and Kalebs room is clean. Went and visited my neighbor across the street for a little while and baked my butt off tonight hence why I am still awake and have not went to bed yet. I did get some home work done but I am stuck with idea's for my final projects in both classes. That is a whole nother blog in its self. But I do have to say for the most part even with all of this stress I have done good with not over eating, now I am not going to say I have ate at the right times because I have not. It is one habbit that is so hard to break. Eating so I can go to sleep. How many of you do this? This is like the liquar you drink and get drunk and pass out. With food you eat you eat some more and then it is you have ate so much that you fall asleep. Same concept just a different drug. What are ways that we can come up to stop doing such things?

Monday, March 1, 2010

Things that make us feel good.

OK so today well yesterday I went and got my hair chopped! I also got it styled. It looks really good. I am so glad I finaly found someone in Cincinnati that can cute my hair with out messing it up or making it look bad. I have also commited myself to going and getting it done once a week. Instead of buying fast food that is just going to make me fat I am going to take that same money and save it so that I can get my hair done, and look good, and feel good about myself. I know it wasting money in a way but the upside to it is, it is one thing I can do for myself that is small and I can feel good about it knowing that I am not getting fat off of doing it. It will be a great treat. I could fit in the chair too. That is a big thing. I talked to the Bishop on Sunday I am going to start going to an addiction group that the church has to help deal with some of what I am going through. So the hospital had no beds for Kourtnie so will try and take her tomorrow and hope that they have a bed for her. What are somethings that you can find to do for yourself to help boost your self assteam?