LOSS but hope for Kaleb

So it has been a bit since I last posted. Today I spent the whole day at Mercy Fairfeild and will have to see a speacilist in 3 days to set up a complet hystorectomy. I new it would come I just did not think it would come this soon. I thought I would still have a few years before I had to go that rout but I guess heavenly father has other planes for me. When you have tubes tied it is still ok cause you could still have kids later if you thought it was wright. Not this way you never get to breast feed again you never get to have that last baby you always wanted it is all gone. Not that I want more kids but it would be nice to know that I have choice if I wanted it. So it is just another loss. I failed my math class which I new I would and since neither of us have a job I do not have the money to retake the class and school is on hold till I have the money to do it. I have tryed for personal loans and it is not happing. Ha ha medical bills will kill any ones dreams. Thanks Mr. President. Kourtnie leaves for camp in 24 hours a week with out my baby here. What will I do she is my streangth a lot of the time and helps me keep this house going. I know this is not the first time my girl has left last summer this time she was in Chicago on a mission, and helping others learn about God. Now she is going to learn about God and have a great time doing it. Kaleb has finally got two diagonisis for sure he has 100% aspergers, and he has oppitional definace dissorder 2 out of 3 kids with ODD I am doing good. He will see a Dr. on the 28th of July as they think he has a mood disorder which I guess is better then the ADHD that we though he had. I am just glad I am getting him help, it is a major fight with Alex all the time because he does not want to admit that Kaleb has problems and says I am just putting all of this stuff on him. I just want my son to be happy it just broke my hart when he told them at the intake that he wants to be able to do more and that he wants more males around him. Two things I can not give him. He is around girls all the time and the poor kid thinks it is ok to paint his toe nailes because of all the girles around him. HELP here if you have boys and live close and we can set up play dates I would love it and so would he. I go Wensday to orintation for Katie, and Kaleb for the BOSS program for next school they are both really excited and can not wait for Co-op to start. I can not wait either it will be great for all of us. So what are things that you all have lost? My list can go on and on for days with all of the loss I have had.

Back on med's but still a bad day

So I went to the Dr. today. It was the regular Dr. But he did get me back on some meds. He is lowering the doses on some, and making them higher on others, he will slowly do this, he does understand that 2 of the meds are going to put weight on me, but is going to put out the referral to a surgeon so that we can look at what options we have with getting the rest of the weight off of me, as well them being able to find me a therapist that deals with eating disorders. Not a good day emotionally though, I broke down in Kroger's parking lot just fell apart, I know the people around me were like what the heck a grown woman crying out in public like that. I about ran the same car over 2 times today, and finally got to the point where I said I am going home and staying home and not coming back out the rest of the day. The Dr. also says if the weight does not come off I will continue to have a lot of pain in my back and knees. A good friend I think finally got through to Alex last that when a person has a mental health problem, they do not want help from the people that love them, and that they feel that they are just trying to get in their way from doing what they want to do and end it. All I could do was stand there and say thank you that is how I feel. I know people love and want to help me, but I have to get to the point where I really want help. One day at time is that not what they say in A.A.? I just have to take it one day at time, today I did not want to go on I wanted it to just end. There are lots of days like those, but there are some good days, Sunday was an OK day, I did feel good to be at church. I did not make it to sacrament just the scout training, and the end of R.S. and P.H combined meeting. I really did like what the Bishop said with some of the things he said at the end. Then on Monday I went to a great picnic and was so glad that Michelle what there and Patty was there cause if they were not I would have just turned around and walked back to the car to go home. But then when I got to the festival to work, I looked at some of the people and their actions, and I thought wow I really do have it good. Now if I could appreciate what I really have then I would be going somewhere in the right direction. I had a great talk with Patty yesterday, even though it was really about nothing, it was nice to have adult conversation, I think I need more of it, and not from people that are not stable mentally either. But from smart responsible woman that have been or know what it is like to be where I am and are strong enough in their faiths to just stay by me. Not that I do not have some non Christan friends that would not do that, and I am grateful for them. But I know I need Christ like woman to keep being there for me pushing me, in the right direction. So back to home work, hopefully tomorrow will be better going to lunch with Kourtnie and some of her friends at her school, then come home and work more on finals.

When will we be free and how do we get there?

So this week is not a lot better then last week. I am still feeling about the same but in a lot of pain. I realized I am becoming addicted to the pain pills and have been trying not to take them, making life in my house, even more hell, as it makes so I am not so numb then, the reality of all of the crap going on around me all the more real. Pain pills are great in some ways it is just like the food, right you take them you are numb like when you eat to much then your mind is not all there so, you do not really have to deal with the reality of life that is going on around you. I am off all meds for my bi-polar now, it has been 2 and half months since any meds have gone in me for that and depression. Is it getting better, no it is not in fact life every day is about just trying to get out of bed by 2 so I can get Ms. Ruthy to work by 3. Life is getting dinner done for the kids or take them where they need to be so I am still at functioning levels some what. It seems like it is not about enjoying life but rather just getting the things done that need to be done. At least I can still do that. It is funny how you sit there you know you are wasting your life away, and yet I choose to do nothing about it.
I got Kourtnie on new meds today, hopefully this will not make her sick like the last ones did. I wish sometimes some one from her school could see what pain she really is in. I think why am I punishing her so much by making her stay there. Do not get me wrong she has some good times this year and has some great friends there that she has made, but then when I see how much she really hates and I keep here there it is for my own selfish reasons. I want her to have a good education, which she could probably get from a public school, but then I look at the teen pregnancy rate, in public schools and I am glad she is where she is. Although there are things that do go on there, I have never seen so many girls that are 12 dating, and kissing and some doing far more then just that then what I have seen this year. So what I am really trying to say when it comes to that sort of thing it does not matter if it is a public school or private crap happens in both.
I am very thankful for a friend, that I started out helping with her kids. Although this person still needs lots of help with her kids, she has stepped up and seen how sick I am and with out any judgement at all on her part or saying anything she just steps up and comes over to help me get up every day, and get going, she makes getting the house clean easier as we do it together or on the days that I just can not do it she does it. She has been great with the kids too and helping me make sure their home work is done, and their rooms are cleaned and chores are done. It is funny that it started out the other way me helping her with her kids, and talking to her, and the role has has flipped. I am very grateful to have her in my life to help me out. It is nice when you have some one who is as big of a nut case as you are and knows it there for you because they really know what is all about. Although she will admit she has no clue what it is like to deal with an eating disorder she does know what addiction is.
For the first time in almost 11 years I thought about what it would be like to really get high again on crack. How great it would feel to just really get high, and really be numb, not food numb, pill high but higher then the sky high. Then I laughed at my self and said I must be going crazy for real. I know what that crap does to you and how it can ruin your life so fast, and you never know what hit you. But it was a wake up call for me that hey you are still and addict, the saying goes once a crack head always a crack head. I was looking up meeting places for C/A and they have non here. They have A.A. and the have N.A. but no C.A... Hummm it makes it harder although the concepts are all the same, it is different in A.A. meetings and N.A. meetings, at C.A. every one is a coke head too, they know what the high is you are looking for, funny as it is Cincinnati has a lot of crack heads and Coke heads and no place for them to go and meet. They should start something like that here.
Then it made me think again is teaching where my calling really is? Should I keep this up or should I look at a different place as a calling? So you see the train is going so fast and trying to go down one track but keeps going off track and keeps jumping to another track. It is all so frustrating. Marla I really do want to come with you, I have started reading the book you gave me and oh my gosh I wish others could read it, I am not to far into it but it does make so much since. I want to be free I really do. I want to take those first steps to be free, I just have to get the courage to do it. I guess one day I will be there. I hope soon. I am tired of being trapped in a cycle, that seems like it has no end. When I started to read this book I say that there could be an end, it is just up to me to make that first step to put an end to it.

Down home and getting better

So here it is May and I only had 2 posts last month. Math is really kicking me in the you know what. I suck at it and really find it pointless and other then teaching kids how to write their letters I will not use anything I am learning in this class or the next one if and when I get a job. So this week I had a really long talk with a great friend. We prayed for a long time and he is going to continue to pray for me and was just amazed at how much I really am carrying right now. He said if was him, he would be about where I am at now as well. I have come to realize that even with friends to help me and support me and family as well at this point to get my eating disorder under control it is going to take more then just out patient help to get me through this and be a healthy happier person then what I am now. I also admitted how easy it would be right now to just walk out and not be a mother or wife any more and how I really do not care to do any of it any more and just how tired I really am. I know that I have a better life then a lot of people out there do not get me wrong, I have a great husband at times and I have wonderful kids that I love to death. But I really do feel that as sick as I am in the head I am not a good mother or wife to any of them right now. So the plan is going to be trying to get the insurance to help me find some where to go in patient after I graduate in September. In the mean time I will be trying to find some place out patient to help with some meds so that I do not end up hurting me or the kids or some one else and I do feel that way a lot of the time. I see my self going back to where i I was after I had Kaleb. Getting fat, ugly and not wanting to get out of bed. I am done with church for a while, I figure if I can not get out of bed to get the kids ready for school how can I commit myself to something all the time, that I do not feel is helping me. I know I should not feel this way and I know some are going to say church is where you need to be. But when I know my limits and I know where I am emotional it is better for me and my big mouth to just stay away so that I really do not hurt others with what I have to say. I know when I get like being by my self is much better then being around people. People of ignorance and stupidity I can not deal with when I am in this state. I know this is how I got really fat and sick the first time around, but I did not have a plan place then nor did I admit that there was something wrong with me, then either. I sore I would never go back to 500lbs again and I will not, but for now I just need to be by self, and work with professionals to help me. When I asked for help in my own way to someone that I thought should have helped being a leader to me I was shot down. And I do not think it was fully understood what I am really going through. But after the talk I had with my friend I think that there may just be some light at the end of this tunnel and they are going to help me in way that they can to get there. Prayer is what I need right now so please do that. I can not wait to just get away from the nasty nati for a while either. I am hopping that by next summer things will be right and I can take my kids back to where I grew up in Del Norte so they can meet the people I grew up with and some old family that is still there. I think about the song Down Home, by Alabama when I think of Del Norte. It is a place where people know you by name and treat you like family. There are old men sitting around checker boards and telling lies. One stop light in the whole town and every one knows every one. I want my kids to see that and experience it, and know where I really came from. Go and ride horses and moter bikes, rope goats, and kick crap, not just at the fair, but have true fun, pure down home fun. So that is my goal to get better so that next summer I can take my kids home and do those things with them.

All things could be going good.

So it has been 2 weeks since I posted last. Lots of stuff has been going on, Where to start. Well for starters we will be free at last in a few months. Alex will be able to get a real job after 8 long years of going through INS playing God with our lives. I do not know how I feel, part of me wants to laugh part of me wants to cry, I know sounds absurd to want to cry, but unless you have gone through what we have gone through with all of this immigration stuff you have no clue. I am still shaking my head at the immigration lawyer who thinks she gets to play with peoples lives and for got that her four fathers came over here as immigrants at one point too. I think a lot of people for get that. That this country was built off the labors of people from other countries and those same men and woman fought for our freedoms today. Sorry my little soap box thing. We finally got Kourtnie on Meds. All I can say it is such a big difference and I have really enjoyed having a daughter again to do stuff with that enjoys doing it and not angry about life. Not that all is completely right there but we are on the right step in the right direction. So the practice song the last 2 weeks in R.S. has been I need the every hour. Today I got to share why that song is so important to me. There were some there that read this and others that were doing their callings and could not here it so here it is, the song says I need the oh I need the I need the ever hour of every day. Oh precious Lord I need the oh I need the. I read M's comment on my last post and I can say this, this song gets me through things, when the crap is hitting the fan, all I think about is Heavenly father and how I need him every hour of every day. Corney I guess, since I know I need him to get through my life yet I do not go to him, and ask him for the help I need. I am off all physic meds, so if I am off do not mind me. I am crying at the drop of a hat about every thing. I really need to get back into therapy some where and get back on meds, but not so many of them. I hate pills I hate felling like I can not make it with out them. I know I need them but do I really need so many of them. The pharmacy has decide with out my Dr. consent to put me on a generic of my mirapax and this is after I was told there was no generic. I have had a really bad weekend with my walking and sleeping as my legs are moving a lot and cramping up from it. I will be glad when the day comes that there is no more suffering out there. For any one. Michelle I have really thought a lot about your comment to me on my last post you have not let me down any type of way shape or form, I know that things happen in life, and family comes first, there will be a time when things work out for us to walk together. If you ever need my mouth I am so not afraid to confront any one when it comes to my friends and family I have a huge family. Ask any one of my kids and the some of the parents at Kourt's school. Friday was a prime example I had to stick up for me and go off on some one, She has now meet as some of African friends call me the white Madia. Ha ha life is good some times, and never be ashamed of sticking up for you, specially when you know you are not in the wrong. I look at this way God gave us mouths to use for a reason. Now if I could just apply this to other area's of my life I would be good.

Hard lesessons and what do we do to cover up our mistakes?

Lessons can sometimes be hard to learn the first time around. I have learned a hard lesson in life though these past few weeks. I totally screwed up our bank account. I put us in the hole with my spending. Thinking that spending was going to help I did loose some weight. But it has cost not just me but my whole family. I came clean to Alex today though and man did it feel good. I do not know how any could something like that all the time from their spouse. It was making me sick. All of things he said to me I could not get mad at because they were the truth. I have learned my lesson though. I know what we are going through and yet all I thought about was my self. As I was sitting up thinking last night Taffany what the hell are you doing, this is just like being on drugs again. No I am not getting high off of something that is illegal but I am getting high off of spending money. Another way to mask what the real problem really is and another way to trade one addiction for another. I think food is a much cheaper way to go then blowing all of ones money. Then I though hell at least I have something to show for it when I am eating it may not be pretty to look at but I do have something to look at. When you blow money on nothing there is nothing to show for it other then regret. Not that it is not there with food, but you can cover it up with more food. When you are blowing money and it is gone there is nothing else there and then there is shame, not just regret but a huge amount of shame to go with it, and nothing to show for it in the end. I had some ask me why do I eat, I am so big, did I not learn anything from my surgery. I just had to laugh hello had I leaned anything I would not be getting fatter and if I new why I ate the way I do would I be as fat as I am now? Or would be just the oppisit and I would have no meat on me at all because I would never eat and still see my self as fat. That is how it was in the 3rd grade for me I wad just throw up and make my self sick because I was fat. Now every one around me thought I was crazy, because how as a 5'4" girl at 90 lbs fat? To me I was I wanted to just go away because I could not stand how I looked. Who would have thought that, that skinny little girl would be as fat as I am now. I know every one says it does not matte what is on the outside that matters but rather what is on the inside that counts. I laugh at that too because I think you have to feel that way on the inside about your self for it to really work and be believable. Just when I think things are going to start looking up they go down again. It is a nasty cycle that I would love to end. I am going to start researching inpatient facilities for eating disorders. There are so many out there that think that you have to barf or not eat to have a eating disorder I laugh at those people as well, they think those fat people should just stop eating, then they would not be fat at all stop eating and get up and move, I wish it were that simple. Tell me what are some things that you do to hide what is really going on or how you really feel? When you do them do they make you feel good at the time and like a ass in the end?

How many things do we start and never finish is it part of the patteren?

OK so much so much and yet so little time right? I lost my walking buddy although for a good reason and so now I need a new one. It is getting warmer so now there are no excuses to just get up and get out there and do it other then I just really need motivation. I need that cheering section to get me going. Easter this year wow, so we are getting balloons, and the kids and I are writing letters to Rocsheda, if any one else would like to do the same thing and give them to me I would love to put them in the balloons. We are going to let them off on Sunday after church. My mom and sister will be here so I hope that helps me get through the day a lot easier then I did last year. I can say at least I am not in the hospital having a melt down like I did last year. I also have the play to look forward too. I will have some great friends there to see us on our last performance. I am so glad that I have been able to be a part of bring Christ into some one life. Even if it was just one person. I feel good too, I was asked to make some one a birthday cake nothing fancy cause my decorating skills are to be desired and well I really need to take Marla's cake class I just have to get the money together to do it. One day it is on my list of things to do before I kick the bucket, decorate one really good cake. We go back to court on the 23 too. I am really praying that this will be the last time and Alex will get his papers and he can get a real job and we can get on our feet. I hate living like this I am tired of it, I know if I am tired of it I can not even imagine what he feels like. Time to spring clean too and I know it needs it in here I just have no will power to get it done. There is so much I want to get organized and just have no clue where to start at. I start a 100 different things and then nothing gets done at all. So here I am I am taking a step and saying hey I need help here. I need to clean stuff out, of the house, I think if I get stuff cleaned out of here it will help clear my mind and help me clear some junk out of my mind. I am going to call tomorrow and see what I can do about getting in some where so I can get back on my med's. I hate being on all of them but you know what it sure beets how I feel now. My mind is like a barreling train coming down a track with no where to stop it sucks feeling like this. I guess I would rather be loaded and think straight then barreling and not thinking straight. I also meet some one that works for the Dr. I have been looking at to do my Lap band. She is going to sit down with me hopefully some time next week so we can talk about some stuff so I can get started on getting it done. I know it will just be a tool for me, to go with the steps I am taking to over come this addiction. I hope every one has a great Easter and has many blessings with it.