What are you greatful in life?

OK this week has not been so great but the bright side to it is this, I have learned that I really need to slow down and I seen just how much I was going and wearing my self down with no stopping and looking out for my self. Now I could say that I had a crappy week but rather it was a great week, yes I could have died but I am alive and so are my kids and that is what is important. I also learned that I really do need to be in the Church and not just when I feel like it, but every Sunday. I learned that even though at times I felt like Heavenly Father was not there with me he really is here with me at all times. I am grateful for him, and all that he does for me and provides for me. I am sorry that I have to learn it this way, but the great thing is that I learned it. So this is a short post but a very happy one and a very grateful one. What are things that you are grateful for?

What does freedom mean to you?

What does freedom mean to you? That is what I have been asking myself lately. Is it important to me, or is it important to you? The funny thing is that a lot of do not realize what freedom really is from the things that are holding us down or holding us back. For me it is food, and all the trash that I choose to keep in my life. I guess I should not say it is all trash but it is stuff that is ready to be barred, and put to rest for ever. That is what I am choosing to start doing throwing out all the bad and working to make things better in my life. I want to get rid of all of the bad things in my life, even if it means some of the people I love as well. That is a hard thing to say and do. But I know it is now or never. I am tired of holding myself back all the time with bad things and people that are in my life. Now I have been given certain tools to do this and some of them I must say are very hard to do, it will take time I know but I also know with the grace of Heavenly father, I can do this, and I will do this. No more negative posts. Only positive posts, and I know that may be hard to do some times and it may even be that posts will be short, if it means that it will keep it positive. That is going to be a new out look for me. If I keep negative things in my life and negative thoughts then negative things will happen. So only positive. So what does freedom mean to you?

What are your longings and is it wrong to long for things that we want?

OK so I am cycling and I need to write so I am up again and here it goes. Kourtnie has been put in partial hospitalization, and got a weekend pass and it has not gone well at all, in fact it was worse today then it has been since she went in the hospital in the first place. It was not good on her end nor on my own because today I just lost it with her and I know I did not mean some of the things that I said, but at the same time I can not take them back either. But what I really want to get is I miss home so much. Not Salt Lake City, I mean I miss there too but I mean Del Norte. I miss it more and more every day and I want to go home and be there and even think I may want to raise my kids there. Now the problem with that is the town, when I was growing up had no blacks there at all, just a few whites and mostly Hispanics. It really is a one horse town, with a watering hole. Most of them are like that in those parts in fact it takes 3 towns to make on school. LOL when I think of it I would have 18 people in my graduating class had I stayed there and graduated. But I have reconnected with a friend of mine from there from when I was gr owing up and seeing pictures and just reading posts about things going I miss. I want my kids to go and experience, get a fresh head on them and maybe even me, cause in Del Norte there is nothing there to stress you out and leave you baffled as there is here. It is funny when I was growing up I would say to my Grandma I can not wait to get out of this hell hole and when I do I will never look back. But then I think I miss coffee time every afternoon hearing the old men shoot the bull and the woman gossip, while the kids play, life is simple. Kenny if you do read this tell people how great Del Norte is. So my goal is that by next summer I will be able to take the kids back and stay for a while. Katie has the potential to do 5th and 6th grade this year if she puts the effort forth and busts butt through her work. Kaleb ya I finally got an IEP for him and I he for once is looking forward to school, and even got into doing some stuff early. Now if I can just Kourtnie on the write path for all of us, and me. I did qualify for one study and hoping that I will be able to get on these other 2 studies cause it would not only pay for the class I failed but give me the money I need to go on this trip next summer. Along with this trip to Del Norte will be a trip to Salt Lake City. I miss my Boo and all the kids and Auntie Jackie. I also want to go and visit for a whole day me and the kids at Rocsheda's grave. Just need to find some one to make the trip with me. Hope my little sister will do it with me cause it would be awesome to show Tommie a part of me, from when I was younger and how I grew up, and where I grew up. How is it we swear we will never do something and never go back some where but then end up missing it so much. Is that considered lust to want to go back some where so bad? I want the kids to see a rodeo, experience goat roping, ride horses, see the fire works on the Reo Grand in South Fork, and meet the people I grew up with. See how simple life can be. What are the some of the simple things in your life that you wish you could go back to now? I know that this is the path that Heavenly Father has made for me and I should be happy with it but I really do long to go home now. Heck I even started listening to Country music again.
Alex is driving a wedge between us even more and I really do not know how much longer there will be a Taffany and Alex. Ya I have said this all before but the reality of things are that things need to change and I need to get ride of the old things that are not willing to change in my life. At this point he has the option of changing his ways or hitting the highway and moving on to the next person that has STUPID on their forehead, and will put up with all of what goes with being married to him.I have come to see that things will not change between us. I am still laughing at him for tonight. I just up and walked out on all of them and was gone for two hours and he was freaking out. I am calling the cops on you, the kids are hungry. But mind you this was around 8 tonight and I had already made dinner for them and the fridge and freezer had food as well as the pantry and our food storage. Both girls can cook and so can he if wants too. I sat in my car laughing at the thought of what he would tell the cops my wife got made and left me with our kids and the kids are hungry, and she took all the keys with her so I can not go get food for the kids, yet our fridge has food and so does other parts of the house. Would almost be as funny as the time he hit me and knocked him out and called the cops on him only to be told what do you want us to do looks like you handled it your self. He never has tried to hit me again. I guess he did not want another butt kicking like he got from me before.
So as you can see so many things on my mind right now and I had to get some of them out. Going to play a few games and then see if I can sleep. Kourt has to be at the hospital at 8 and I want to talk to her nurse about well Sunday now that it is 2:29. Have a good week, I am sure I will have more to post on here as I am cycling and I really need to get all of this out and since I have therapist any more you guys are my therapeutic therapy, and are great at making me feel better. Thanks for the support I get from all of those that do so on here.

LOSS but hope for Kaleb

So it has been a bit since I last posted. Today I spent the whole day at Mercy Fairfeild and will have to see a speacilist in 3 days to set up a complet hystorectomy. I new it would come I just did not think it would come this soon. I thought I would still have a few years before I had to go that rout but I guess heavenly father has other planes for me. When you have tubes tied it is still ok cause you could still have kids later if you thought it was wright. Not this way you never get to breast feed again you never get to have that last baby you always wanted it is all gone. Not that I want more kids but it would be nice to know that I have choice if I wanted it. So it is just another loss. I failed my math class which I new I would and since neither of us have a job I do not have the money to retake the class and school is on hold till I have the money to do it. I have tryed for personal loans and it is not happing. Ha ha medical bills will kill any ones dreams. Thanks Mr. President. Kourtnie leaves for camp in 24 hours a week with out my baby here. What will I do she is my streangth a lot of the time and helps me keep this house going. I know this is not the first time my girl has left last summer this time she was in Chicago on a mission, and helping others learn about God. Now she is going to learn about God and have a great time doing it. Kaleb has finally got two diagonisis for sure he has 100% aspergers, and he has oppitional definace dissorder 2 out of 3 kids with ODD I am doing good. He will see a Dr. on the 28th of July as they think he has a mood disorder which I guess is better then the ADHD that we though he had. I am just glad I am getting him help, it is a major fight with Alex all the time because he does not want to admit that Kaleb has problems and says I am just putting all of this stuff on him. I just want my son to be happy it just broke my hart when he told them at the intake that he wants to be able to do more and that he wants more males around him. Two things I can not give him. He is around girls all the time and the poor kid thinks it is ok to paint his toe nailes because of all the girles around him. HELP here if you have boys and live close and we can set up play dates I would love it and so would he. I go Wensday to orintation for Katie, and Kaleb for the BOSS program for next school they are both really excited and can not wait for Co-op to start. I can not wait either it will be great for all of us. So what are things that you all have lost? My list can go on and on for days with all of the loss I have had.

Back on med's but still a bad day

So I went to the Dr. today. It was the regular Dr. But he did get me back on some meds. He is lowering the doses on some, and making them higher on others, he will slowly do this, he does understand that 2 of the meds are going to put weight on me, but is going to put out the referral to a surgeon so that we can look at what options we have with getting the rest of the weight off of me, as well them being able to find me a therapist that deals with eating disorders. Not a good day emotionally though, I broke down in Kroger's parking lot just fell apart, I know the people around me were like what the heck a grown woman crying out in public like that. I about ran the same car over 2 times today, and finally got to the point where I said I am going home and staying home and not coming back out the rest of the day. The Dr. also says if the weight does not come off I will continue to have a lot of pain in my back and knees. A good friend I think finally got through to Alex last that when a person has a mental health problem, they do not want help from the people that love them, and that they feel that they are just trying to get in their way from doing what they want to do and end it. All I could do was stand there and say thank you that is how I feel. I know people love and want to help me, but I have to get to the point where I really want help. One day at time is that not what they say in A.A.? I just have to take it one day at time, today I did not want to go on I wanted it to just end. There are lots of days like those, but there are some good days, Sunday was an OK day, I did feel good to be at church. I did not make it to sacrament just the scout training, and the end of R.S. and P.H combined meeting. I really did like what the Bishop said with some of the things he said at the end. Then on Monday I went to a great picnic and was so glad that Michelle what there and Patty was there cause if they were not I would have just turned around and walked back to the car to go home. But then when I got to the festival to work, I looked at some of the people and their actions, and I thought wow I really do have it good. Now if I could appreciate what I really have then I would be going somewhere in the right direction. I had a great talk with Patty yesterday, even though it was really about nothing, it was nice to have adult conversation, I think I need more of it, and not from people that are not stable mentally either. But from smart responsible woman that have been or know what it is like to be where I am and are strong enough in their faiths to just stay by me. Not that I do not have some non Christan friends that would not do that, and I am grateful for them. But I know I need Christ like woman to keep being there for me pushing me, in the right direction. So back to home work, hopefully tomorrow will be better going to lunch with Kourtnie and some of her friends at her school, then come home and work more on finals.

When will we be free and how do we get there?

So this week is not a lot better then last week. I am still feeling about the same but in a lot of pain. I realized I am becoming addicted to the pain pills and have been trying not to take them, making life in my house, even more hell, as it makes so I am not so numb then, the reality of all of the crap going on around me all the more real. Pain pills are great in some ways it is just like the food, right you take them you are numb like when you eat to much then your mind is not all there so, you do not really have to deal with the reality of life that is going on around you. I am off all meds for my bi-polar now, it has been 2 and half months since any meds have gone in me for that and depression. Is it getting better, no it is not in fact life every day is about just trying to get out of bed by 2 so I can get Ms. Ruthy to work by 3. Life is getting dinner done for the kids or take them where they need to be so I am still at functioning levels some what. It seems like it is not about enjoying life but rather just getting the things done that need to be done. At least I can still do that. It is funny how you sit there you know you are wasting your life away, and yet I choose to do nothing about it.
I got Kourtnie on new meds today, hopefully this will not make her sick like the last ones did. I wish sometimes some one from her school could see what pain she really is in. I think why am I punishing her so much by making her stay there. Do not get me wrong she has some good times this year and has some great friends there that she has made, but then when I see how much she really hates and I keep here there it is for my own selfish reasons. I want her to have a good education, which she could probably get from a public school, but then I look at the teen pregnancy rate, in public schools and I am glad she is where she is. Although there are things that do go on there, I have never seen so many girls that are 12 dating, and kissing and some doing far more then just that then what I have seen this year. So what I am really trying to say when it comes to that sort of thing it does not matter if it is a public school or private crap happens in both.
I am very thankful for a friend, that I started out helping with her kids. Although this person still needs lots of help with her kids, she has stepped up and seen how sick I am and with out any judgement at all on her part or saying anything she just steps up and comes over to help me get up every day, and get going, she makes getting the house clean easier as we do it together or on the days that I just can not do it she does it. She has been great with the kids too and helping me make sure their home work is done, and their rooms are cleaned and chores are done. It is funny that it started out the other way me helping her with her kids, and talking to her, and the role has has flipped. I am very grateful to have her in my life to help me out. It is nice when you have some one who is as big of a nut case as you are and knows it there for you because they really know what is all about. Although she will admit she has no clue what it is like to deal with an eating disorder she does know what addiction is.
For the first time in almost 11 years I thought about what it would be like to really get high again on crack. How great it would feel to just really get high, and really be numb, not food numb, pill high but higher then the sky high. Then I laughed at my self and said I must be going crazy for real. I know what that crap does to you and how it can ruin your life so fast, and you never know what hit you. But it was a wake up call for me that hey you are still and addict, the saying goes once a crack head always a crack head. I was looking up meeting places for C/A and they have non here. They have A.A. and the have N.A. but no C.A... Hummm it makes it harder although the concepts are all the same, it is different in A.A. meetings and N.A. meetings, at C.A. every one is a coke head too, they know what the high is you are looking for, funny as it is Cincinnati has a lot of crack heads and Coke heads and no place for them to go and meet. They should start something like that here.
Then it made me think again is teaching where my calling really is? Should I keep this up or should I look at a different place as a calling? So you see the train is going so fast and trying to go down one track but keeps going off track and keeps jumping to another track. It is all so frustrating. Marla I really do want to come with you, I have started reading the book you gave me and oh my gosh I wish others could read it, I am not to far into it but it does make so much since. I want to be free I really do. I want to take those first steps to be free, I just have to get the courage to do it. I guess one day I will be there. I hope soon. I am tired of being trapped in a cycle, that seems like it has no end. When I started to read this book I say that there could be an end, it is just up to me to make that first step to put an end to it.

Down home and getting better

So here it is May and I only had 2 posts last month. Math is really kicking me in the you know what. I suck at it and really find it pointless and other then teaching kids how to write their letters I will not use anything I am learning in this class or the next one if and when I get a job. So this week I had a really long talk with a great friend. We prayed for a long time and he is going to continue to pray for me and was just amazed at how much I really am carrying right now. He said if was him, he would be about where I am at now as well. I have come to realize that even with friends to help me and support me and family as well at this point to get my eating disorder under control it is going to take more then just out patient help to get me through this and be a healthy happier person then what I am now. I also admitted how easy it would be right now to just walk out and not be a mother or wife any more and how I really do not care to do any of it any more and just how tired I really am. I know that I have a better life then a lot of people out there do not get me wrong, I have a great husband at times and I have wonderful kids that I love to death. But I really do feel that as sick as I am in the head I am not a good mother or wife to any of them right now. So the plan is going to be trying to get the insurance to help me find some where to go in patient after I graduate in September. In the mean time I will be trying to find some place out patient to help with some meds so that I do not end up hurting me or the kids or some one else and I do feel that way a lot of the time. I see my self going back to where i I was after I had Kaleb. Getting fat, ugly and not wanting to get out of bed. I am done with church for a while, I figure if I can not get out of bed to get the kids ready for school how can I commit myself to something all the time, that I do not feel is helping me. I know I should not feel this way and I know some are going to say church is where you need to be. But when I know my limits and I know where I am emotional it is better for me and my big mouth to just stay away so that I really do not hurt others with what I have to say. I know when I get like being by my self is much better then being around people. People of ignorance and stupidity I can not deal with when I am in this state. I know this is how I got really fat and sick the first time around, but I did not have a plan place then nor did I admit that there was something wrong with me, then either. I sore I would never go back to 500lbs again and I will not, but for now I just need to be by self, and work with professionals to help me. When I asked for help in my own way to someone that I thought should have helped being a leader to me I was shot down. And I do not think it was fully understood what I am really going through. But after the talk I had with my friend I think that there may just be some light at the end of this tunnel and they are going to help me in way that they can to get there. Prayer is what I need right now so please do that. I can not wait to just get away from the nasty nati for a while either. I am hopping that by next summer things will be right and I can take my kids back to where I grew up in Del Norte so they can meet the people I grew up with and some old family that is still there. I think about the song Down Home, by Alabama when I think of Del Norte. It is a place where people know you by name and treat you like family. There are old men sitting around checker boards and telling lies. One stop light in the whole town and every one knows every one. I want my kids to see that and experience it, and know where I really came from. Go and ride horses and moter bikes, rope goats, and kick crap, not just at the fair, but have true fun, pure down home fun. So that is my goal to get better so that next summer I can take my kids home and do those things with them.