Life moves on

My Daddy is here. Hard to beleave. It has been 11 years since I have seen him last. There is so much going on right now and I can honestly say thank God I have him in my life. Not my dad yes I am glad to have him there too but Heavenly Father. Over the last year I have had a lot on my plate. I choose to go with my hart and do what I needed to do a long time ago. I am filing for divorce tomorrow. I know it is something that I should have done a long time ago. I have had many people tell me why am I still here if I am not happy and them knowning everything that I have gone through over the years with Alex, I hope and pray that in the end we can still be friends for Kale's sake. But at this point I do not know if that is going to happen just from the things that Alex is already saying. I am however ready to raise my kids on my own with out him. It is funny how things turn out in life. We grow up and we grow apart. I am thankfull for the friends I have in our ward and my friends that are not membars of the church. I will be needing everyone's support through this, but it is something I know I have to do.

Life at times can be so funny and at other times can be so sad. For a long time I choose to let things get me down and to dewll on them. I had to stop step back and take a look at where I was going and if I was making progress in making myself a better person. I had to stop and think about every thing friends had told me and take those things in to propestive. I sat back and I seen how much happiness they had in their lives and how negative mine was. I wanted to be like them so bad, happy family, happy with myself, but how was I going to get there if all I could see was the bad things that kept happining in my life. I could never see the good. Then one day I woke up and said today is going to be the day that I see no more bad in this world but see the good that Heavenly Father is putting in front of me. I said I would no longer post negative things and if that meant a 3 word post then so be it. But I have found that even though some days I want to fall back in those old habits, like the other day a friend said you never smile. I said what do I have to smile for? He said ever time I see you, you are never smiling smile because you are alive. That really hit me. I had never really thought of that. Heck I am alive because Heavenly Father has been so gracious as to allow me to be here on this earth this long. I now smile every day when I wake up and thank him for one more day that I have here.
It is coming up on my Rocsheda's birthday she would have been 12 this year. My big girl, I think back to when she was alive. I was so happy even though my baby was sick she had a smile on her face every day and would never cry. I had to think what an inspiration she was to me then and how much of an inspiration she can be to me today. Even though she is not her physically she is still here in my hart. I can use her memory as a tool to help me smile every day, in the midst's of all of the craziness that goes on around me.
What are the things that make you smile every day? When you feel down what memories do you have of some one special like my Rocsheda? We all have so much to be thankful for and to smile for so when you feel like frowning just turn it up side down and make it a smile.

So a lot has been happening last few weeks. I said I was no longer going to post negative things on my Blog. So I am going to look at this post as Heavenly Fathers way of showing me, what the next faze of my life is going to be.
I have had to think long and hard about what the Bible says about divorce, it says the only grounds for divorce is adultery, with that being said it happened a long time ago but not me. It was on the other hand the other person in this relationship, I choose to forgive and go on. I had a friend that told me that if I choose to forgive there was no going back on it and I had to stay with my husband. I can no longer do that. I'm not happy and I do not want to be in this relationship any more. I know there is so much more in life that Heavenly Father has in store for me.
I have been unhappy for a very long time in this relationship and it is time to move on. That is what I am doing I am moving on. Since I have realized that I have been loosing more weight doing more things for myself and the kids and I am having the time of my life doing this. Wow hard to believe that I have allowed myself to be held back by a man all these years.
So now moving on. My dad is very sick, he does not have to much long to live. I got told tonight if I allow my dad to come and live with me Alex would leave. I told him that was fine he could leave. I was not going to choose between the man that gave me life and my husband. My dad gave me life and may not have been the best father but he did give me life and I had the chance to spend what little time left he has here on earth and and that is what I am going to do.I love my dad and I love the fact that Heavenly Father is giving us a second chance to build a relationship with each other. What are some second chances you have been giving?

What are postive changes you are making in your life today?

So here we are at the end of Aug. wow this year is just flying by. I found my real dad and there was mixed feelings there. But once I talked to him I was so glad that I did. It was like when I found my mom, I was not sure how to go about building a relationship with someone that had never been apart of my life. With my dad he was a part of my life but not always in good ways. But he has admitted where he was wrong and he is trying to make amends with me for the things that were not right in our lives. I am blessed now to say that I have both of my parents in my life even if one of them is very sick and may not be with me long. I will get to rebuild a relationship with him for the time that I do have with him. Our car is almost fixed which means that I will be able to get a lot more stuff done like going back to church. Not having a car is a big inconvenience. But we got by and did what we had to do.
We are still waiting on word from INS to go in a get re finger printed and another picture taken so that Alex can get his work permit. Through all of this I am defiantly learning to have a lot more patients. With patients comes virtue and with virtue comes happiness. That is something that I am learning to be a lot more of. It feels good to look at things in a positive way and enjoy things around me. My meds are working and I am not as down as I used to be which is a good thing.
Kaleb has been working with Saint Josephs home and went in for a med som app. They are doing his blood work and an EKG but are going to put him on meds. I was kinda leery about that but after the Doctor explained to me that she is very surprised that the pediatrician has not put him on meds to help control the anger before this, and that I have done great as a parent in getting him this far with Asburgers and not having him anything but melatonin.
Katie was so excited to start school at home and then was the first one to have a melt down over it. I thought that it would have been Kaleb but it was not it was Katie. Now that it is over with we are on to learning. Kaleb loves being taught at home, I am so glad to because I thought he was going to be the one to not adjust to this, but it is giving us more one on one time and that is something that I have needed to start doing with all of my kids. Next week we are going to be starting behavior charts for all of the kids. They ave learned not to call each other stupid any more. I put the five dollar rule in to place. If you call some one stupid in my presence you then owe me five dollars Kourtnie got up to fifteen and so did Katie. Now I know some may say five dollars is a lot of money that was the point to get them to have pay heavily for their actions. What is a quarter or a dime going to do to hurt them? Nothing but the five dollars will. After the third time with both of them it has been working. Kaleb herd five dollars and I have not one time herd him say the word. Now I am sure they may say it when I am not around but the goal is to get them where they do not say it all weather I am around or not.
So I no this blog started out as a food log for me and a way to hold my self accountable for what I was eating and how I was putting on weight. Now I still have an addiction and I know I will always have one, but I am on the right path to loosing weight again. I have lost some weight I do not know how much because I have not been on the scale in a while but I can feel it and I can see it as well. Great thing. I am really starting to see how when you take out the negative in your life and replace it with positive things and you keep heavenly father in your grasp and lean on him when you feel weak how much of a change it makes in your life. Positive thinking makes for positive actions and changes. So this weeks question is what are positive changes you are trying to make in your life?

What are you greatful in life?

OK this week has not been so great but the bright side to it is this, I have learned that I really need to slow down and I seen just how much I was going and wearing my self down with no stopping and looking out for my self. Now I could say that I had a crappy week but rather it was a great week, yes I could have died but I am alive and so are my kids and that is what is important. I also learned that I really do need to be in the Church and not just when I feel like it, but every Sunday. I learned that even though at times I felt like Heavenly Father was not there with me he really is here with me at all times. I am grateful for him, and all that he does for me and provides for me. I am sorry that I have to learn it this way, but the great thing is that I learned it. So this is a short post but a very happy one and a very grateful one. What are things that you are grateful for?

What does freedom mean to you?

What does freedom mean to you? That is what I have been asking myself lately. Is it important to me, or is it important to you? The funny thing is that a lot of do not realize what freedom really is from the things that are holding us down or holding us back. For me it is food, and all the trash that I choose to keep in my life. I guess I should not say it is all trash but it is stuff that is ready to be barred, and put to rest for ever. That is what I am choosing to start doing throwing out all the bad and working to make things better in my life. I want to get rid of all of the bad things in my life, even if it means some of the people I love as well. That is a hard thing to say and do. But I know it is now or never. I am tired of holding myself back all the time with bad things and people that are in my life. Now I have been given certain tools to do this and some of them I must say are very hard to do, it will take time I know but I also know with the grace of Heavenly father, I can do this, and I will do this. No more negative posts. Only positive posts, and I know that may be hard to do some times and it may even be that posts will be short, if it means that it will keep it positive. That is going to be a new out look for me. If I keep negative things in my life and negative thoughts then negative things will happen. So only positive. So what does freedom mean to you?

What are your longings and is it wrong to long for things that we want?

OK so I am cycling and I need to write so I am up again and here it goes. Kourtnie has been put in partial hospitalization, and got a weekend pass and it has not gone well at all, in fact it was worse today then it has been since she went in the hospital in the first place. It was not good on her end nor on my own because today I just lost it with her and I know I did not mean some of the things that I said, but at the same time I can not take them back either. But what I really want to get is I miss home so much. Not Salt Lake City, I mean I miss there too but I mean Del Norte. I miss it more and more every day and I want to go home and be there and even think I may want to raise my kids there. Now the problem with that is the town, when I was growing up had no blacks there at all, just a few whites and mostly Hispanics. It really is a one horse town, with a watering hole. Most of them are like that in those parts in fact it takes 3 towns to make on school. LOL when I think of it I would have 18 people in my graduating class had I stayed there and graduated. But I have reconnected with a friend of mine from there from when I was gr owing up and seeing pictures and just reading posts about things going I miss. I want my kids to go and experience, get a fresh head on them and maybe even me, cause in Del Norte there is nothing there to stress you out and leave you baffled as there is here. It is funny when I was growing up I would say to my Grandma I can not wait to get out of this hell hole and when I do I will never look back. But then I think I miss coffee time every afternoon hearing the old men shoot the bull and the woman gossip, while the kids play, life is simple. Kenny if you do read this tell people how great Del Norte is. So my goal is that by next summer I will be able to take the kids back and stay for a while. Katie has the potential to do 5th and 6th grade this year if she puts the effort forth and busts butt through her work. Kaleb ya I finally got an IEP for him and I he for once is looking forward to school, and even got into doing some stuff early. Now if I can just Kourtnie on the write path for all of us, and me. I did qualify for one study and hoping that I will be able to get on these other 2 studies cause it would not only pay for the class I failed but give me the money I need to go on this trip next summer. Along with this trip to Del Norte will be a trip to Salt Lake City. I miss my Boo and all the kids and Auntie Jackie. I also want to go and visit for a whole day me and the kids at Rocsheda's grave. Just need to find some one to make the trip with me. Hope my little sister will do it with me cause it would be awesome to show Tommie a part of me, from when I was younger and how I grew up, and where I grew up. How is it we swear we will never do something and never go back some where but then end up missing it so much. Is that considered lust to want to go back some where so bad? I want the kids to see a rodeo, experience goat roping, ride horses, see the fire works on the Reo Grand in South Fork, and meet the people I grew up with. See how simple life can be. What are the some of the simple things in your life that you wish you could go back to now? I know that this is the path that Heavenly Father has made for me and I should be happy with it but I really do long to go home now. Heck I even started listening to Country music again.
Alex is driving a wedge between us even more and I really do not know how much longer there will be a Taffany and Alex. Ya I have said this all before but the reality of things are that things need to change and I need to get ride of the old things that are not willing to change in my life. At this point he has the option of changing his ways or hitting the highway and moving on to the next person that has STUPID on their forehead, and will put up with all of what goes with being married to him.I have come to see that things will not change between us. I am still laughing at him for tonight. I just up and walked out on all of them and was gone for two hours and he was freaking out. I am calling the cops on you, the kids are hungry. But mind you this was around 8 tonight and I had already made dinner for them and the fridge and freezer had food as well as the pantry and our food storage. Both girls can cook and so can he if wants too. I sat in my car laughing at the thought of what he would tell the cops my wife got made and left me with our kids and the kids are hungry, and she took all the keys with her so I can not go get food for the kids, yet our fridge has food and so does other parts of the house. Would almost be as funny as the time he hit me and knocked him out and called the cops on him only to be told what do you want us to do looks like you handled it your self. He never has tried to hit me again. I guess he did not want another butt kicking like he got from me before.
So as you can see so many things on my mind right now and I had to get some of them out. Going to play a few games and then see if I can sleep. Kourt has to be at the hospital at 8 and I want to talk to her nurse about well Sunday now that it is 2:29. Have a good week, I am sure I will have more to post on here as I am cycling and I really need to get all of this out and since I have therapist any more you guys are my therapeutic therapy, and are great at making me feel better. Thanks for the support I get from all of those that do so on here.