LOSS but hope for Kaleb

So it has been a bit since I last posted. Today I spent the whole day at Mercy Fairfeild and will have to see a speacilist in 3 days to set up a complet hystorectomy. I new it would come I just did not think it would come this soon. I thought I would still have a few years before I had to go that rout but I guess heavenly father has other planes for me. When you have tubes tied it is still ok cause you could still have kids later if you thought it was wright. Not this way you never get to breast feed again you never get to have that last baby you always wanted it is all gone. Not that I want more kids but it would be nice to know that I have choice if I wanted it. So it is just another loss. I failed my math class which I new I would and since neither of us have a job I do not have the money to retake the class and school is on hold till I have the money to do it. I have tryed for personal loans and it is not happing. Ha ha medical bills will kill any ones dreams. Thanks Mr. President. Kourtnie leaves for camp in 24 hours a week with out my baby here. What will I do she is my streangth a lot of the time and helps me keep this house going. I know this is not the first time my girl has left last summer this time she was in Chicago on a mission, and helping others learn about God. Now she is going to learn about God and have a great time doing it. Kaleb has finally got two diagonisis for sure he has 100% aspergers, and he has oppitional definace dissorder 2 out of 3 kids with ODD I am doing good. He will see a Dr. on the 28th of July as they think he has a mood disorder which I guess is better then the ADHD that we though he had. I am just glad I am getting him help, it is a major fight with Alex all the time because he does not want to admit that Kaleb has problems and says I am just putting all of this stuff on him. I just want my son to be happy it just broke my hart when he told them at the intake that he wants to be able to do more and that he wants more males around him. Two things I can not give him. He is around girls all the time and the poor kid thinks it is ok to paint his toe nailes because of all the girles around him. HELP here if you have boys and live close and we can set up play dates I would love it and so would he. I go Wensday to orintation for Katie, and Kaleb for the BOSS program for next school they are both really excited and can not wait for Co-op to start. I can not wait either it will be great for all of us. So what are things that you all have lost? My list can go on and on for days with all of the loss I have had.

Back on med's but still a bad day

So I went to the Dr. today. It was the regular Dr. But he did get me back on some meds. He is lowering the doses on some, and making them higher on others, he will slowly do this, he does understand that 2 of the meds are going to put weight on me, but is going to put out the referral to a surgeon so that we can look at what options we have with getting the rest of the weight off of me, as well them being able to find me a therapist that deals with eating disorders. Not a good day emotionally though, I broke down in Kroger's parking lot just fell apart, I know the people around me were like what the heck a grown woman crying out in public like that. I about ran the same car over 2 times today, and finally got to the point where I said I am going home and staying home and not coming back out the rest of the day. The Dr. also says if the weight does not come off I will continue to have a lot of pain in my back and knees. A good friend I think finally got through to Alex last that when a person has a mental health problem, they do not want help from the people that love them, and that they feel that they are just trying to get in their way from doing what they want to do and end it. All I could do was stand there and say thank you that is how I feel. I know people love and want to help me, but I have to get to the point where I really want help. One day at time is that not what they say in A.A.? I just have to take it one day at time, today I did not want to go on I wanted it to just end. There are lots of days like those, but there are some good days, Sunday was an OK day, I did feel good to be at church. I did not make it to sacrament just the scout training, and the end of R.S. and P.H combined meeting. I really did like what the Bishop said with some of the things he said at the end. Then on Monday I went to a great picnic and was so glad that Michelle what there and Patty was there cause if they were not I would have just turned around and walked back to the car to go home. But then when I got to the festival to work, I looked at some of the people and their actions, and I thought wow I really do have it good. Now if I could appreciate what I really have then I would be going somewhere in the right direction. I had a great talk with Patty yesterday, even though it was really about nothing, it was nice to have adult conversation, I think I need more of it, and not from people that are not stable mentally either. But from smart responsible woman that have been or know what it is like to be where I am and are strong enough in their faiths to just stay by me. Not that I do not have some non Christan friends that would not do that, and I am grateful for them. But I know I need Christ like woman to keep being there for me pushing me, in the right direction. So back to home work, hopefully tomorrow will be better going to lunch with Kourtnie and some of her friends at her school, then come home and work more on finals.