All things could be going good.

So it has been 2 weeks since I posted last. Lots of stuff has been going on, Where to start. Well for starters we will be free at last in a few months. Alex will be able to get a real job after 8 long years of going through INS playing God with our lives. I do not know how I feel, part of me wants to laugh part of me wants to cry, I know sounds absurd to want to cry, but unless you have gone through what we have gone through with all of this immigration stuff you have no clue. I am still shaking my head at the immigration lawyer who thinks she gets to play with peoples lives and for got that her four fathers came over here as immigrants at one point too. I think a lot of people for get that. That this country was built off the labors of people from other countries and those same men and woman fought for our freedoms today. Sorry my little soap box thing. We finally got Kourtnie on Meds. All I can say it is such a big difference and I have really enjoyed having a daughter again to do stuff with that enjoys doing it and not angry about life. Not that all is completely right there but we are on the right step in the right direction. So the practice song the last 2 weeks in R.S. has been I need the every hour. Today I got to share why that song is so important to me. There were some there that read this and others that were doing their callings and could not here it so here it is, the song says I need the oh I need the I need the ever hour of every day. Oh precious Lord I need the oh I need the. I read M's comment on my last post and I can say this, this song gets me through things, when the crap is hitting the fan, all I think about is Heavenly father and how I need him every hour of every day. Corney I guess, since I know I need him to get through my life yet I do not go to him, and ask him for the help I need. I am off all physic meds, so if I am off do not mind me. I am crying at the drop of a hat about every thing. I really need to get back into therapy some where and get back on meds, but not so many of them. I hate pills I hate felling like I can not make it with out them. I know I need them but do I really need so many of them. The pharmacy has decide with out my Dr. consent to put me on a generic of my mirapax and this is after I was told there was no generic. I have had a really bad weekend with my walking and sleeping as my legs are moving a lot and cramping up from it. I will be glad when the day comes that there is no more suffering out there. For any one. Michelle I have really thought a lot about your comment to me on my last post you have not let me down any type of way shape or form, I know that things happen in life, and family comes first, there will be a time when things work out for us to walk together. If you ever need my mouth I am so not afraid to confront any one when it comes to my friends and family I have a huge family. Ask any one of my kids and the some of the parents at Kourt's school. Friday was a prime example I had to stick up for me and go off on some one, She has now meet as some of African friends call me the white Madia. Ha ha life is good some times, and never be ashamed of sticking up for you, specially when you know you are not in the wrong. I look at this way God gave us mouths to use for a reason. Now if I could just apply this to other area's of my life I would be good.

Hard lesessons and what do we do to cover up our mistakes?

Lessons can sometimes be hard to learn the first time around. I have learned a hard lesson in life though these past few weeks. I totally screwed up our bank account. I put us in the hole with my spending. Thinking that spending was going to help I did loose some weight. But it has cost not just me but my whole family. I came clean to Alex today though and man did it feel good. I do not know how any could something like that all the time from their spouse. It was making me sick. All of things he said to me I could not get mad at because they were the truth. I have learned my lesson though. I know what we are going through and yet all I thought about was my self. As I was sitting up thinking last night Taffany what the hell are you doing, this is just like being on drugs again. No I am not getting high off of something that is illegal but I am getting high off of spending money. Another way to mask what the real problem really is and another way to trade one addiction for another. I think food is a much cheaper way to go then blowing all of ones money. Then I though hell at least I have something to show for it when I am eating it may not be pretty to look at but I do have something to look at. When you blow money on nothing there is nothing to show for it other then regret. Not that it is not there with food, but you can cover it up with more food. When you are blowing money and it is gone there is nothing else there and then there is shame, not just regret but a huge amount of shame to go with it, and nothing to show for it in the end. I had some ask me why do I eat, I am so big, did I not learn anything from my surgery. I just had to laugh hello had I leaned anything I would not be getting fatter and if I new why I ate the way I do would I be as fat as I am now? Or would be just the oppisit and I would have no meat on me at all because I would never eat and still see my self as fat. That is how it was in the 3rd grade for me I wad just throw up and make my self sick because I was fat. Now every one around me thought I was crazy, because how as a 5'4" girl at 90 lbs fat? To me I was I wanted to just go away because I could not stand how I looked. Who would have thought that, that skinny little girl would be as fat as I am now. I know every one says it does not matte what is on the outside that matters but rather what is on the inside that counts. I laugh at that too because I think you have to feel that way on the inside about your self for it to really work and be believable. Just when I think things are going to start looking up they go down again. It is a nasty cycle that I would love to end. I am going to start researching inpatient facilities for eating disorders. There are so many out there that think that you have to barf or not eat to have a eating disorder I laugh at those people as well, they think those fat people should just stop eating, then they would not be fat at all stop eating and get up and move, I wish it were that simple. Tell me what are some things that you do to hide what is really going on or how you really feel? When you do them do they make you feel good at the time and like a ass in the end?