What are you greatful in life?

OK this week has not been so great but the bright side to it is this, I have learned that I really need to slow down and I seen just how much I was going and wearing my self down with no stopping and looking out for my self. Now I could say that I had a crappy week but rather it was a great week, yes I could have died but I am alive and so are my kids and that is what is important. I also learned that I really do need to be in the Church and not just when I feel like it, but every Sunday. I learned that even though at times I felt like Heavenly Father was not there with me he really is here with me at all times. I am grateful for him, and all that he does for me and provides for me. I am sorry that I have to learn it this way, but the great thing is that I learned it. So this is a short post but a very happy one and a very grateful one. What are things that you are grateful for?

What does freedom mean to you?

What does freedom mean to you? That is what I have been asking myself lately. Is it important to me, or is it important to you? The funny thing is that a lot of do not realize what freedom really is from the things that are holding us down or holding us back. For me it is food, and all the trash that I choose to keep in my life. I guess I should not say it is all trash but it is stuff that is ready to be barred, and put to rest for ever. That is what I am choosing to start doing throwing out all the bad and working to make things better in my life. I want to get rid of all of the bad things in my life, even if it means some of the people I love as well. That is a hard thing to say and do. But I know it is now or never. I am tired of holding myself back all the time with bad things and people that are in my life. Now I have been given certain tools to do this and some of them I must say are very hard to do, it will take time I know but I also know with the grace of Heavenly father, I can do this, and I will do this. No more negative posts. Only positive posts, and I know that may be hard to do some times and it may even be that posts will be short, if it means that it will keep it positive. That is going to be a new out look for me. If I keep negative things in my life and negative thoughts then negative things will happen. So only positive. So what does freedom mean to you?

What are your longings and is it wrong to long for things that we want?

OK so I am cycling and I need to write so I am up again and here it goes. Kourtnie has been put in partial hospitalization, and got a weekend pass and it has not gone well at all, in fact it was worse today then it has been since she went in the hospital in the first place. It was not good on her end nor on my own because today I just lost it with her and I know I did not mean some of the things that I said, but at the same time I can not take them back either. But what I really want to get is I miss home so much. Not Salt Lake City, I mean I miss there too but I mean Del Norte. I miss it more and more every day and I want to go home and be there and even think I may want to raise my kids there. Now the problem with that is the town, when I was growing up had no blacks there at all, just a few whites and mostly Hispanics. It really is a one horse town, with a watering hole. Most of them are like that in those parts in fact it takes 3 towns to make on school. LOL when I think of it I would have 18 people in my graduating class had I stayed there and graduated. But I have reconnected with a friend of mine from there from when I was gr owing up and seeing pictures and just reading posts about things going I miss. I want my kids to go and experience, get a fresh head on them and maybe even me, cause in Del Norte there is nothing there to stress you out and leave you baffled as there is here. It is funny when I was growing up I would say to my Grandma I can not wait to get out of this hell hole and when I do I will never look back. But then I think I miss coffee time every afternoon hearing the old men shoot the bull and the woman gossip, while the kids play, life is simple. Kenny if you do read this tell people how great Del Norte is. So my goal is that by next summer I will be able to take the kids back and stay for a while. Katie has the potential to do 5th and 6th grade this year if she puts the effort forth and busts butt through her work. Kaleb ya I finally got an IEP for him and I he for once is looking forward to school, and even got into doing some stuff early. Now if I can just Kourtnie on the write path for all of us, and me. I did qualify for one study and hoping that I will be able to get on these other 2 studies cause it would not only pay for the class I failed but give me the money I need to go on this trip next summer. Along with this trip to Del Norte will be a trip to Salt Lake City. I miss my Boo and all the kids and Auntie Jackie. I also want to go and visit for a whole day me and the kids at Rocsheda's grave. Just need to find some one to make the trip with me. Hope my little sister will do it with me cause it would be awesome to show Tommie a part of me, from when I was younger and how I grew up, and where I grew up. How is it we swear we will never do something and never go back some where but then end up missing it so much. Is that considered lust to want to go back some where so bad? I want the kids to see a rodeo, experience goat roping, ride horses, see the fire works on the Reo Grand in South Fork, and meet the people I grew up with. See how simple life can be. What are the some of the simple things in your life that you wish you could go back to now? I know that this is the path that Heavenly Father has made for me and I should be happy with it but I really do long to go home now. Heck I even started listening to Country music again.
Alex is driving a wedge between us even more and I really do not know how much longer there will be a Taffany and Alex. Ya I have said this all before but the reality of things are that things need to change and I need to get ride of the old things that are not willing to change in my life. At this point he has the option of changing his ways or hitting the highway and moving on to the next person that has STUPID on their forehead, and will put up with all of what goes with being married to him.I have come to see that things will not change between us. I am still laughing at him for tonight. I just up and walked out on all of them and was gone for two hours and he was freaking out. I am calling the cops on you, the kids are hungry. But mind you this was around 8 tonight and I had already made dinner for them and the fridge and freezer had food as well as the pantry and our food storage. Both girls can cook and so can he if wants too. I sat in my car laughing at the thought of what he would tell the cops my wife got made and left me with our kids and the kids are hungry, and she took all the keys with her so I can not go get food for the kids, yet our fridge has food and so does other parts of the house. Would almost be as funny as the time he hit me and knocked him out and called the cops on him only to be told what do you want us to do looks like you handled it your self. He never has tried to hit me again. I guess he did not want another butt kicking like he got from me before.
So as you can see so many things on my mind right now and I had to get some of them out. Going to play a few games and then see if I can sleep. Kourt has to be at the hospital at 8 and I want to talk to her nurse about well Sunday now that it is 2:29. Have a good week, I am sure I will have more to post on here as I am cycling and I really need to get all of this out and since I have therapist any more you guys are my therapeutic therapy, and are great at making me feel better. Thanks for the support I get from all of those that do so on here.