When will we be free and how do we get there?

So this week is not a lot better then last week. I am still feeling about the same but in a lot of pain. I realized I am becoming addicted to the pain pills and have been trying not to take them, making life in my house, even more hell, as it makes so I am not so numb then, the reality of all of the crap going on around me all the more real. Pain pills are great in some ways it is just like the food, right you take them you are numb like when you eat to much then your mind is not all there so, you do not really have to deal with the reality of life that is going on around you. I am off all meds for my bi-polar now, it has been 2 and half months since any meds have gone in me for that and depression. Is it getting better, no it is not in fact life every day is about just trying to get out of bed by 2 so I can get Ms. Ruthy to work by 3. Life is getting dinner done for the kids or take them where they need to be so I am still at functioning levels some what. It seems like it is not about enjoying life but rather just getting the things done that need to be done. At least I can still do that. It is funny how you sit there you know you are wasting your life away, and yet I choose to do nothing about it.
I got Kourtnie on new meds today, hopefully this will not make her sick like the last ones did. I wish sometimes some one from her school could see what pain she really is in. I think why am I punishing her so much by making her stay there. Do not get me wrong she has some good times this year and has some great friends there that she has made, but then when I see how much she really hates and I keep here there it is for my own selfish reasons. I want her to have a good education, which she could probably get from a public school, but then I look at the teen pregnancy rate, in public schools and I am glad she is where she is. Although there are things that do go on there, I have never seen so many girls that are 12 dating, and kissing and some doing far more then just that then what I have seen this year. So what I am really trying to say when it comes to that sort of thing it does not matter if it is a public school or private crap happens in both.
I am very thankful for a friend, that I started out helping with her kids. Although this person still needs lots of help with her kids, she has stepped up and seen how sick I am and with out any judgement at all on her part or saying anything she just steps up and comes over to help me get up every day, and get going, she makes getting the house clean easier as we do it together or on the days that I just can not do it she does it. She has been great with the kids too and helping me make sure their home work is done, and their rooms are cleaned and chores are done. It is funny that it started out the other way me helping her with her kids, and talking to her, and the role has has flipped. I am very grateful to have her in my life to help me out. It is nice when you have some one who is as big of a nut case as you are and knows it there for you because they really know what is all about. Although she will admit she has no clue what it is like to deal with an eating disorder she does know what addiction is.
For the first time in almost 11 years I thought about what it would be like to really get high again on crack. How great it would feel to just really get high, and really be numb, not food numb, pill high but higher then the sky high. Then I laughed at my self and said I must be going crazy for real. I know what that crap does to you and how it can ruin your life so fast, and you never know what hit you. But it was a wake up call for me that hey you are still and addict, the saying goes once a crack head always a crack head. I was looking up meeting places for C/A and they have non here. They have A.A. and the have N.A. but no C.A... Hummm it makes it harder although the concepts are all the same, it is different in A.A. meetings and N.A. meetings, at C.A. every one is a coke head too, they know what the high is you are looking for, funny as it is Cincinnati has a lot of crack heads and Coke heads and no place for them to go and meet. They should start something like that here.
Then it made me think again is teaching where my calling really is? Should I keep this up or should I look at a different place as a calling? So you see the train is going so fast and trying to go down one track but keeps going off track and keeps jumping to another track. It is all so frustrating. Marla I really do want to come with you, I have started reading the book you gave me and oh my gosh I wish others could read it, I am not to far into it but it does make so much since. I want to be free I really do. I want to take those first steps to be free, I just have to get the courage to do it. I guess one day I will be there. I hope soon. I am tired of being trapped in a cycle, that seems like it has no end. When I started to read this book I say that there could be an end, it is just up to me to make that first step to put an end to it.

Down home and getting better

So here it is May and I only had 2 posts last month. Math is really kicking me in the you know what. I suck at it and really find it pointless and other then teaching kids how to write their letters I will not use anything I am learning in this class or the next one if and when I get a job. So this week I had a really long talk with a great friend. We prayed for a long time and he is going to continue to pray for me and was just amazed at how much I really am carrying right now. He said if was him, he would be about where I am at now as well. I have come to realize that even with friends to help me and support me and family as well at this point to get my eating disorder under control it is going to take more then just out patient help to get me through this and be a healthy happier person then what I am now. I also admitted how easy it would be right now to just walk out and not be a mother or wife any more and how I really do not care to do any of it any more and just how tired I really am. I know that I have a better life then a lot of people out there do not get me wrong, I have a great husband at times and I have wonderful kids that I love to death. But I really do feel that as sick as I am in the head I am not a good mother or wife to any of them right now. So the plan is going to be trying to get the insurance to help me find some where to go in patient after I graduate in September. In the mean time I will be trying to find some place out patient to help with some meds so that I do not end up hurting me or the kids or some one else and I do feel that way a lot of the time. I see my self going back to where i I was after I had Kaleb. Getting fat, ugly and not wanting to get out of bed. I am done with church for a while, I figure if I can not get out of bed to get the kids ready for school how can I commit myself to something all the time, that I do not feel is helping me. I know I should not feel this way and I know some are going to say church is where you need to be. But when I know my limits and I know where I am emotional it is better for me and my big mouth to just stay away so that I really do not hurt others with what I have to say. I know when I get like being by my self is much better then being around people. People of ignorance and stupidity I can not deal with when I am in this state. I know this is how I got really fat and sick the first time around, but I did not have a plan place then nor did I admit that there was something wrong with me, then either. I sore I would never go back to 500lbs again and I will not, but for now I just need to be by self, and work with professionals to help me. When I asked for help in my own way to someone that I thought should have helped being a leader to me I was shot down. And I do not think it was fully understood what I am really going through. But after the talk I had with my friend I think that there may just be some light at the end of this tunnel and they are going to help me in way that they can to get there. Prayer is what I need right now so please do that. I can not wait to just get away from the nasty nati for a while either. I am hopping that by next summer things will be right and I can take my kids back to where I grew up in Del Norte so they can meet the people I grew up with and some old family that is still there. I think about the song Down Home, by Alabama when I think of Del Norte. It is a place where people know you by name and treat you like family. There are old men sitting around checker boards and telling lies. One stop light in the whole town and every one knows every one. I want my kids to see that and experience it, and know where I really came from. Go and ride horses and moter bikes, rope goats, and kick crap, not just at the fair, but have true fun, pure down home fun. So that is my goal to get better so that next summer I can take my kids home and do those things with them.